Sanity and dis-ease

Jane, who works in a community centre with 'mentally' ill people, gave a series of presentations about the state of art in dealing with this spectrum of dis-ease. At the beginning of the presentation I asked her about modalities that approach 'mental illness' from a holistic perspective, yet my question remains unanswered.

With a lifetime prevalence of 20% depression describes a collection of symptoms that affects or will affect at least four people in the room Jane held her presentation. I remember from my psychology lectures that a success rate of 30% suffices to claim it's worth applying a given therapeutic concept, and I still feel highly confused that electro-convulsive therapy is practiced in the 21st century.

Categorising depression as disease of the mind neglects some very tangible aspects of this phenomenon. The list of symptoms describes mainly subjectively perceived internal states and leaves the structural hallmarks out. An experienced and empathic therapeut most likely uses this snapshot information (of overall posture and movement) for his diagnosis, which fosters the healing process probably more than the methods in the arsenal of modern psychology.

So I followed Alexander's footsteps by ignoring conventional 'wisdom' and explored the 'down' habit in my life. Revisiting episodes from my personal history made me aware that I carry the blues in me already for a long time. And a part of myself certainly accepted this pattern and arranged life situations to 'cure' this condition, maybe even different parts simultaneously with differing choices.

Once I realised that I attempted a variety of strategies as remedy, I could start comparing the efficiency and side effects of my until lately unconscious self cure approaches. Meaningful activity attenuates the sensitivity of the emotional triggers that start the depression train. My desire for interactive activity, however, clashes with the automatic response to certain arousal states.

I lack self-esteem almost entirely when the blues plays, and when I started observing this habit as habit, understanding the pattern in it, I beat myself up even more. My rational faculty can tell me as often as it wants that I neither desire or deserve these highly unproductive downtimes, a cognitive re-appraisal of my situation does hardly release any pattern of habitual tension.

The description Begley and Schwartz gave about one of their OCD patients resonated with me a lot. The down habit of mine acts rather like a vortex than like a simple loop, a highly complex neuro-physiological algorithm with multiple entry points. My sensory amnesia makes progress towards more uptime challenging. Mindfulness only slowly weakens the patterns of the down habit, a part of my whole self demands more attention than available for a healthy balance.

Physical activity like increasing my unicycling and juggling skills, or building sculptures helps at the moment to accept the embodied pattern that interferes with my movement. But how do I transform this debilitating vortex of disconnection?

Now

I go the school early enough to have the first turn, but I haven't arrived as first one yet. Maria does her usually her semi supine when I arrive, and as both us had a turn with Vivien Mackay, I got the second turn this time. I liked watching her working, yet working with her really stunned me. Her hands fluidly sensed my back, and it felt most of the time more than stroking than directing, a very pleasant sensation. The amount of release we accomplished made me incredibly light, and the softness of her touch allowed me a lot of ease.

In the group work she told us about the power of the right moment, which occurs when student and teacher connect their intention and move as one. Maria worked with me, assisted by Jenny, who compared the right moment with catching a wave. And indeed, once you missed a wave, you have to start over again, and take the next one. As much as teacher can sense the student holding, I could feel Maria's apprehension sometimes during the group work. By synchronising intention, flow can happen. Once the right moment to move has come, this flows needs to continue, otherwise tensions on either side might interfere with the freedom of movement.

While having some biscuits and sparkly to celebrate Vivien's birthday I had a chance to talk some German again. Daniella's parents migrated to Australia shortly after her birth, and her German had an interesting mix of influences. The combination of an elating session with Vivien and some sparkly made me a bit tipsy, and I carried this cheerful mood into the performance. As I didn't dare as yet to sing, I enjoyed watching the way Vivien worked, and the change brought to Jose's singing.

Vivien's explanation that singing needs more not-doing than doing the right thing convinced me to give it go next time, singing the old Hans Albers "Auf der Reeeperbahn nachts um halb eins".