Overambitious

After lazing out for most of the holidays so far, I wanted to test out my unicycling progress with an ambitious target: Cycling to school and back. Luckily there was hardly any traffic on Victoria Street, and I could enjoy a long, uninterrupted straight stretch of road.

The freemounts in between worked out quite well, not really instantly, as I got into the bad habit of looking at the pedal when mounting. Only as long as I didn't inhibit this habit :) I was surprised that the terrain hardly caused me trouble, even the inclines and declines went smoothly. Passing others still made me nervous, and sometimes I unmounted to pass.

I tried one of the side roads that lead to St Georges Road, the steep incline made mounting really tricky. The little reserve has a lonely bench that invited me to a break. I didn't check the time required to get there, but certainly felt good about the easy ride.

I still don't know whether I found a good position on the seat, it felt sometimes like only the right sitbone connected to it. The ride tired me a lot, although the inclines felt easy. Just before getting back on the road, in sight of a Japanese family on the playground, I wiped out big time. I went to fast, and jumped off the uni. My tired legs didn't come up to the speed, so I chose to roll over my shoulder towards the lawn. Both knees and my left foot got scratched on the concrete, looks quite bloody.

A short break later, thinking about the fact that I need to strengthen my cardio-vascular system a bit, I continued the way home. I needed to take the pavement this time, and the little stone wall of the park wiped me out again, this time hitting my left calf in the process.

All in all, an interesting mix of end-gaining, inhibition, and some successful directing in between.

Some video

The stutterer

I had half a turn with David and a full one with Bronwyn, both quite informative. I got into a little conversation about using / not using language manifesting the body-mind diassociation. I did a bit of hands-on work with Christine, our visiting teacher for a week, and again noticed how important persistence and repetition are.

We discussed the chapter about the stutterer in our reading session, highlighting the ideas of faulty sensory perception, indirect procedure as well as specific directions.

Mixed

This term seems so different from the first three, and I get infected by the chaos around me. I made some good progress this week, found out more about the holding patterns around my hips, and had my first longer ride on my unicycle.

But I still feel like mutating, and it doesn't feel pleasant all the time. Discipline might help.

More feet

I had another turn with Margaret, learning more about feet and my habits in standing. I want to get back to give my directions in Peter's wording, something soon to come. We did bits of hands-on work, taking Robert's head.

We finished with some Yoga, and the first stretch undid parts of my hip holding pattern, at least that was my impression we I noticed unstoppable trembling in this area.

Mobbed

Sometimes, wishes come true. I didn't have too many turns with Ann, so I felt quite lucky that I had a chance today. I managed to increase a bit the awareness for the whole body, noticing my body from head to feet without zoning out. The turn helped me to maintain my up a bit more, yet in a way it helped increasing my confusion as well.

I made it to the coffee shop first, sitting in the empty front room, when Robert and Cal decided to rather sit in the back, leaving me alone. This brought up some unpleasant memories from the past, and the problems I have in dealing with conformity enforcement.

The anatomy session with Ann deepened my understanding of neural processes, although the mechanics tell only a part of the story of what happens in living systems. Yet we don't deal with the interactive part yet, or rather just in terms of movement. This means I have to find a way to observe the differences in me when trying to direct myself alone or in varying social situations. I wonder whether The Global Brain or Celestine Prophecies holds more clues concerning group phenomena that I could apply to my current situation.

Systematic

This term offered many surprises, the lack of any predictable structure among them. This way I can excuse my own lazyness of keeping track of the work. I seem to be able to maintain more uptime outside school, something brings me down there. Strange.

The turn with Libby offered some more insight of the activation pattern for holding in the front, while I exercised restraint during Razia's C&C session.

I realised today that my former job offered similar challenges. Systems own a specific structure, which offers a certain functionality. The use of the system feeds back to its structure and functionality. As system administrator I analyzed networks in order to increase their efficiency and often functionality. I had to test any change before implementing it, a bit like chairwork. And like with the current work, I rather aimed for long-term solutions taking the use into account than looking for a quick fix.

Feet

Today started in an unusual way, we find a presentation by a podiatrist. I wasn't too surprised that still a lot of people turned up late, including some teachers. Jason didn't know too much about AT, yet he unknowningly incorporated some of its ideas into his presentation. I liked his professional attitude, his presence and the way he integrated any feedback into his time in front of an unusual audience.

We did the turns afterwards, and I had another one with Matt. I challenged him by working on juggling, and he made me aware of my 'fixation' while standing and performing. I noticed myself how much I shortened myself in my shoulder during the 'warm-up' routine, and the pattern of locking my knees while standing is worth exploring some more.

I spend some time before we re-visited Jason's little check-up on feet and balance playing around with Ana. However, I still wonder why I have so much more problems to maintain my 'up' in school, while it gets easier in most other situations. Especially with unicycling I feel like making big advances when I had a go to cycle around the little oval in the neighborhood.

Friday

The turn with Matt gave me some more insights about what I do with my legs, and how I maintain my balance. However, I still felt quite wrecked after the turn, and fought hard to keep awake.

Like often on fridays, we did a lot of hands-on work. We did another round of guessing blind-folded whose hands resp. bodies we got in contact with, as well as some chair-work. I really liked this opportunity to sensitize my hands, and especially Ana's hands surprised me a lot.

Bright side

I had the first turn with Loukia, and enjoyed the new experiences she offered me. I discovered the fine line between the sensation of movement caused by movement of outer muscles and the movement caused by the anti-gravity reflex, or rather, I caught a glimpse of it.

In our group work we experimented with sliding tunes while sitting back to back, I had Garth and Michael as stimulus while doing this. Like always, attention and intention were the keys to notice anything, and those two backs I leaned on offered so much different information.

The performance session with Ria worked amazingly well. She hardly used her hands, but managed to give us some ideas which changed our performance to the better. Getting prepared (and directed) before entering the actual spot for performing worked well for me, and I noticed how much my performance picked up whenever I managed to 'throw some direction in'.

Another bllnd day

I had another turn with David today, and I get the impression that I stay directed during chair work, at least to a certain degree. Inhibition works better, when you notice what you do additionally.

I played a bit hands-on with Rossi, with Margaret helping. The rest of the day went passed with counselling and communication, when I got reminded of two bits of homework I still have to deliver. Hmpf.

Jaw dropping

I continued my vision experiments today, I feel less intimidated by seeing less now than when I started. I had a turn with Jane, who worked Nili-style, which gave me good information. David's hands felt much more subtle, nevertheless with lots of direction.

We had a premature book session, so I had to master the challenge of doing my reading as well as proof reading Rossi's homework with pinhole glasses. We did the reading session in the large group, recapitulating the way Alexander discovered his method of re-learning.

We did bits of hands-on work in the group with Margaret, and I seem to have different habits with and without lenses - or rather, I fell back into my habit of falling into my students.

Eye dropper

Do I hang around too much in my limbic system, or why don't I get into a more cheery mood in the mornings? I used the semi supine session to reconsider the patterns related to the movement of my eyes, quite interesting.

I detected the habit to look down in a lot of situations, which usually drags my front down with it. I suspect the downward direction gets me into 'feeling mode' in NLP terms, got to confirm this. Wow, the eye accessing cues really offer some revelations - one of the downward gazes links to the kinaesthetic sense (bingo!), the other to 'auditory digital' whatever this might mean. The upward direction link to visual memory and construction, which might explain my troubles visualing.

Looking upwards feels quite unusual to me, with my head commonly tilted backwards my eyes hardly need to go there. Somehow my idea of having my head 'balanced' links to the level of my eyes in my skull - a nasty double bind place. I tend to drop my eyes into their 'normal' position, getting into 'feeling mode'. There I indulge in sensory debauchery, connecting the sensory information for an effortful position with normality.

I need to construct some two way mirror at home to convince my eyes of their consequence for my directions, and find other ways to get my eyes out of their two dimensional fixation back to more depth.

The bright side

It looks the intense start into my fourth term swept the ground under my feet away.... yet not through an immense up, rather by returning to old hazardous habits. Today's turn with Ria helped quite a bit getting back into presence.

I felt quite heavy when singing, the I couldn't integrate direction, new lyrics, a changed audience and the stimulus of performing itself into something coherent. I think I know now what I miss: Decent communication about mental habits that we discover on our path. I noticed that 'parking' my body while attending something produces heaps of thoughts, dragging me into the limbic system and down.

'You need courage to maintain the up constantly, it's a bit like being naked'. I agree absolutely with Nili, yet I don't know yet how to gain that courage.

Changing habits

The first two days with Nili felt quite intense, now it feels more like the usual strange energy has returned to school. Nili teaches a very strict MacDonald style, straight in and out of chairs, with very strong directions in her hands.

Last wednesday I took up my visual experiments again, and it blows my mind more and more. Kate can see me changing with and without lenses, I notice more the changes in my thinking than in my use. Somehow, the perceived need for control and flow interfere, and might be entirely incompatible. However, the (intermittend) lack of self esteem drags me down, even habitually.

The performance session nearly turned into a fight with Maria, but luckily Kate intervened very elegantly and defused the situation. Having a turn with Jenny on friday made the memories turn into experience easier, I still felt quite drained afterwards.

Happily I have no definition for 'madness', otherwise I could think that I'm heading just there.

Nili time

The new term started with a surprise, at least for me. Nili Bassan, a regular guest teacher, came in, and I had an interesting term with her. I think I understand the 'up' part of forward and up better than the forward part, and she helped me identifying where I disconnect my torso.

Her group style favors hands-on, and I had a long session of chair work with Kaz. To my surprise, it didn't get boring, and I learned something new about the way I distribute my weight when getting out of a chair. Even doing the monkey for nearly an hour didn't tire too much, I wonder what the next two weeks will bring.

Final friday

I had a turn with David, and got a bit more aware of the subtle remainders of old pattern. During our group work we revisited some of Peter's ideas, with mixed enthusiasm. I spend nearly half, maybe even more of my waking hours without lenses, and get more and more used not to wear them at school. While Cal insists that we can't feel inside our brains, I notice the activation of a relatively distinct area inside my skull we I think about my thalamus, and directing my thalamus forward and up yields reliable results.

Luckily, we ended with some hands on after all the passiveness before. I get more confident in using directions and using the other body to get myself up. I took Bo's leg, but felt just little whether something happened with him. Probably our little conversation in the tea room before still stuck in my mind.

Eyeless in Fitzroy

The last three days went clearly in a blur.I got some pinhole glasses last week and started investigating my visual system a bit more. Peter Grunwald's book seemed very cvompelling to me, so I looked forward meeting the man himself to see for myself what he had to offer.

I wnet to school on sunday with my lenses in my jacket, and I didn't wear them at school since then. It takes me about 30 minutes to walk to school, plenty of time to experiment with my vision. I did not find a comparable case of my vision problem in his book, so I wanted to find out whether I belong to the contracted or overexpanded or mixed type.

Currently I have the impression that my right eye (my left visual cortex) contracts, while the other part overextends, however, I want to confirm this in my private lesson tomorrow. During the workshop guided me through specific parts of my visual pathway, the palpability of this communication between nervous systems stunned me.

Like with everything Alexander, repetition helps achieving an ever more subtle understanding. The workshop participant seemed more receptive than my fellow students, while I used the opportunity to enhance 'thinking' myself into the visual pathway. The thought of regaining my vision still exhilarates me, a bargain I never asked for.

Base of the skull

Before Ann's anatomy session started, I had two short terms with Ferry and David. I notice more the subtle levels of doing, but I still have to work on maintaining a bigger (unified) attentional field. I wonder if I can incorporate some thoughts about the vision system, the experiments at home showed some good results.

We had to prepare a demonstration of the muscles of the base of the skull as homework for anatomy. Thanks to Rossi's idea we managed to improvise a little play in short time, so the homework turned out fun and informative.

Ease

I did chair work with Margaret, I kind of got my limbs tight in my joint over the weekend again. Margaret gave me a good up, and I managed to get in and out the chair with ease. Andrea worked a bit in the saddle after that, a real interesting experience.

In David's group we observed walking, and was interesting to see my fellow first years doing this again after some months. After the short group we went through the student feedback.

We did more hands-on in Jenny's group, exploring ways to move an arm by directing. It seems to get easier to stay in myself while putting hands on, the additional sensitivity training pays out.

Tailbone

I worked with Libby on distinguishing better between directing and doing directions. Both produce movement, yet of different qualities. The chair work helped a lot to identify some of tensions on my leg I acquired during my injury.

I played a lot with my cj ball before the group work started, and even played with taking Cal's arm while she laid on the table. The group work itself posed some challenge. We experimented with thinking about the tailbone movement during the breathing cycle, directing it forward with the in breath, and imaging the air rising through the front of the body with the out breath.

Dropping the tail bone slightly feels a bit like rounding the back, yet increases the movement of the back of the ribcage significantly. The thought of up through the front prevents collapsing, together an amazing tool (at the moment) to feel connected throughout the body. We extended the exploration of the tail bone into some table work, and I went through the challenge of taking Jenny's tailbone while she laid in semi-supine. It felt less awkward to work between her legs than I expected, staying directed and just synching into her breath cycle took most of my attention.

However, I resisted the temptation to feel what happened, and tried to cope with the amount of stimuli and thoughts presented to me by thinking about myself. I'd liked to have seen whether I still coordinated myself, Jenny's feedback (and release twitching) made me quite content with today's hands on experiments.

Tongue

David used his waiting time to give me and Michael some chance for hands-on exercises, before I started exploring the difference in perception of movement when I 'did' my directions in contrast to just think them. I wonder whether it helps the process to communicate the increase in precision of proprioception exactly, something to ask a teacher.

We made loud noises again, after exploring the relation between breathing and the movement of the tailbone. Our body moves a lot in any given moment, which makes integrating the relevant information into a connected image a challenging task.

I started the performance session off, and felt significantly less nervous when doing so. I went smoothly through the first half, and then became self-conscious again, or rather lost my intention a bit. Penny reminded me of the bad habit to do more than needed with my tongue. Allowing it to stay in the front of my mouth stopped me from swallowing tunes at the end of a phrase, and certainly increased my fun while doing it.

Inhibition and direction

I can use my foot again, but acquired already some interesting pattern of changed use in the meantime. With David I detected a bit of asymmetry, probably due to the shift of weight I habituated. Ferry helped me releasing my hip joints a lot, and my proprioception gets more 3 (4?) -dimensional. I don't notice only things close to my skin, but get more inside.

The communication session dealt with anger management, interesting yet in my point of view kind of off topic. I inhibited my averse reaction as good as I could, and focused more on observing the group interactions.

Student meeting

I walked over my heels in my turn with Libby, and I just needed to convince me that I can do so. I guess I can figure out heaps of avoidance pattern once I can use my left foot in normal ways.

We did a lot of hands on work in the group with David, and although it takes still some effort to stay in myself, I like it more and more. As long as I don't care whether I can 'listen' with my hands, I can use the stimulus of another body to maintain my directions.

The student meeting went quite okay, just in 'Alexander time'. However, Michael and I managed to put our criticism about Razia C&C sessions forward. I realise more and more how much I expected General Semantics as our communication module.

We had more hands-on with Jenny, and again I noticed the importance of my own use when using my hands. We played with taking an arm and a shoulder, and it helped a lot toi experience this on the table and doing yourself.

Handicapped

During the half turn with David I noticed some elements of my old pattern of bending myself out of a chair. I haven't managed to visualise bodily pattern in myself, but my understanding of the interacting parts grows daily.

The table turn with Jane made me aware of pulling in and out of my shoulder and hip joint. I have to fight the temptation to complain about pain and my reaction to it - I did not act very clever and have to pay the prize now.

Doing yoga felt okay, taking it slow and focusing on the whole body made it a worthwhile affair, staying with the means whereby and not the end.

Singing

I worked on using my injured foot better with Penny, but I still don't feel comfortable standing for longer times. I want to play a bit with Penny's idea about the 'neutral position' for the tongue, as I noticed that I do a lot with it without being aware of it.

I see more and more the use of our voice warm-ups, it's a good chance to create feedback through sound. Kaz reminded me of the difference between speaking and singing, I still move my head (in a down way) while talking.

Communication

I had a turn with Libby, like yesterday, this time a table turn. I managed to direct myself away from my leg while Libby held it, an amazing sensation. I spend most time until the group work started with CJ.

The communication session consisted of some basic ideas about positive thinking, and I had to inhibit a great deal to stay happy. However, I will see whether I will gain something from the goal settting exercise.

I seem to make progress on different fronts. I had my turn with Carol, and she managed to give some surprising new ways of sitting down. Although I felt quite shortened and stiff, I preserved my use relatively well (while doing nothing :)

Carol and David shared their experiences from the teacher congress in Lugano, so I didn't need to go through Yoga with an injured foot. We used our hands instead in the group work, and I enjoyed working with Robert and Jen. We played with sensing the difference between helping, working against, collapsing and availability.

Rapid change

I dared to do more standing and walking during my turn with Penny, and noticed how much my pain avoidance has affected other parts of my body. On the positive side, this injury helps me experiencing the patterns arising from a 'single cause'.

Before we warmed our voices up with some singing, I played a lot with my CJ ball. I like singing in a group more than solo, yet it's getting better. With an internal smile and a distracting idea for the audience my voice gained more resonance, and I stayed in a good rhythm.

Anatomy

I enjoyed another table turn today, this time with Ann. She managed to lengthen me a lot, and helped releasing heaps of tension build up by trying to prevent pain. She told me to let my body react to the pain, instead of bracing around it, and to my surprise I could walk quite nicely.

Bo gave me another table turn, and I realised that doing it quietly makes it more efficient. Either that, or directing before talking could work. We widened my back, before a double anatomy session kicked off.

Ann asked me to demonstrate my limping, yet I still managed to direct myself and could walk free of pain. I didn't want to mimic my morning state, but some people had seen me earlier anyway, so Ann showed how I isolated (and therefor disintegrated) the part in pain.

I still need to figure out where my diaphragm attached to the rips, I certainly have to change my idea of the location of my lungs. The breathing exercise in the deep monkey yielded no remarkable observation, but room for exploration.

I bruised my foot yesterday by ambitiously jumping off a 2 metre fence, so I didn't put too much weight on the aching foot. During the table turn with Matt I felt nearly no pain, releasing the muscles around the affected area counteracted some habitual responses.

The reading session brought no real new information, and afterwards I had the pleasure of being the subject of table work of three students at the same time. I noticed some differences in the ways Sharon, Anne and Maria put their hands on, and I wonder how much my expectation and prior experiences influence the connection between our nervous systems.

In the last group we revisited spirals. I didn't feel comfortable standing, yet Margaret's tip to let the weight pass through my injured foot into the ground worked amazingly well. Still, the pain distracted me a lot so that my hands did not pick up much.

Spirals

I walked to school, which made it easier to adapt again to the 'Alexander thing'. My turn with Margaret taught me a lot, and my proprioception doesn't feel too screwed up after two weeks break.

In the group with Margaret and Ria we talked about the spirals formed by muscle groups that loop around the torso and the limbs. The comparison to the structure of fabric, and its different elasticity depending on the direction of tension within it helped me a lot to refine my ideas about muscles and fascia. While muscles work a bit like a sewed fabric, fascia acts more knitted fabric. (Take this with a grain of General Semantics).

In between the groups Maria and Anne worked with me, and I'm quite surprised about the difference in contact I notice when they put hands on.

Lailani took us very slowly through some asanas based on all fours. I manage more and more to forget about end-gaining while doing yoga, and really love to notice the increase in body awareness that comes with this changed attitude.

Trying hard

I had a turn with Julia, and although I still haven't understood her concept of forward and up, she manages to lengthen me a lot. I become more aware of the subtle complexity of pattern within the body, and thus more efficient in using directions.

My performance in the singing sessions fluctuates a lot. I improved in comparison to last week, but Jenny needed to do a lot to stop me from holding and other useless patterns. It helps me a lot to play a soundtrack in my mind while singing, I just need a better control of the volume level.

Walking

I had a nice chat with Duncan during my turn, explaining the advances made by analysing my initially very faulty body map. We did hardly any chair work, and I spend the rest of the turn with CJ.

Anatomy gave a detailed walk through of gaits, specifying each phase by naming its effects on joints and muscles.

Fitness

I forgot my cold medication this morning, so after an initial feel good time after getting up I slipped a little bit into the cold twilight zone. I can easily execute Bronwyn's directions, even though I was quite tense at the start of the turn. Trying hard and tensing seem to go together, I better remember this. Her turn felt like a cure to me, even though no challenge waited later for me.

Peter Fisher, an Alexander Technician and Physiotherapeut, gave a presentation about the concept of fitness from a sociological, scientific, psychological and Alexander point of view. A lot of the statements aired from the fitness industry sound like science, but a mere opinion. The consequences, benefits and harms, of regular exercise have not been sufficiently studied, as too many disciplines with too many specific models did not use a common framework to describe the processes and relation of interventions like specific exercise regimes.

Too few exercise can do as much harm as too much, the right level of fitness allows to partake in all desired and necessary activity with sufficient strength, mobility, stamina and ease. Peter explained the concepts of the ICF, the international classification of functioning, disability and health. The ICF seems to incorporate more of a dynamic, interactive view of the human being, and can provide the basis for studies, including those trying to measure the effects of the Alexander Technique.

Unfortunately we didn't do too many Aikido exercises - it looked like a lot of fun.

Common cold torso.

The weekend adventures left me with a cold, a new experience waited for me. Jane's table turn helped to start the week leisurely, and with new ideas about width in my torso.

Lailani showed a me bit more forward with the head, it still feels odd to organise my body below a head that's forward and up. I learned a lot about some of the holding pattern, but have yet to figure out what's left to release.

Yoga didn't feel to straining, probably I managed to use less effort just because of the cold (or the medication). I experimented with David's idea of releasing into an asana, and enjoyed the exercises.

We played with release of the ankles in Matt's mini group, just Will, Kaz and me. I liked revisiting an experiment after some time, and the information gained today felt more detailed.

Change of Routine

I didn't blog each day this week, I let myself go from my routine to explore something else. I think I had turns with Jenny, David, Julia, Ineke, Ferry and Margaret this week. Jenny noticed a change in shape today, and Ineke helped me staying aware of both arms while I do CJ, especially with the left hand.

David rehearsed his presentation with us, interesting yet without much highlight. We observed sitting in the MacDonald way (back upright while moving), which turned out to be quite fun.

The most remarkable observation happened outside school, when I managed to release my ellbow, which allowed my arm to grow and to release the shoulders.

Yoga

I had the first turn with Matt in this term, and it provided me with some useful information. Getting in and out of the chair went smoothly, especially as we started off gaining a lot of length before considering movement. I didn't really maintain too much of the freedom of movement while preparing the reading for tomorrow.

We experimented with breathing and rip movement in the group with Ria. I get better in distinguishing physical pattern, and get more of an idea of unrestricted movement.

I manage better to stop endgaining during yoga, and get back to the idea that asanas can help exploring subtle movements and flexibility.

Tired tire

I managed to come late to school because one of the tires I just bought yesterday went flat overnight. The turn with Julia did not wake me up, but left me quite elated after doing a bit of table work, chair work and monkeys. While I used the ease to sit down and read, David picked me for another turn.

During Jenny's groupwork we went on all four, trying to maintain our backs while moving around. I still hardly notice whether my limbs are underneath my joints, which offers a good choice for exploration.

We did some games after the tea break, and finished with hands-on partnerwork. I partnered up with Cal, and realised again the amount of stimulus another body provides. I managed to inhibit a lot while Jenny supervised us, it made me a bit more nervous when Ineke and Julia took over. I certainly need some intention when I put my hands on, otherwise I get drawn into the person, get into quantum zero state or simply wiggle my arms around too much.

Directions

Each teacher has an ideosyncratic style, and obviously I consider some more efficient than others. The turn with Penny yielded some amazing results, she uses the entire body and her enjoyment of the work infected me easily. Feeling already easy made it difficult to achieve more results in the second turn with Julia, which was the first time we worked together at all.

Penny avoids the term inhibition as best as possible, instead she tries to convey new experiences, and her hands do an amazing job. The group work focussed again on the whisperped aaah, this time in standing and with exploring hands. I tried to use the palm first approach to connect to my fellow students, and certainly feel the need to make my hands more sensitive. However, I noticed significant differences between Kate, Ana, Rossi and Michael. I'm less drawn into bodies, and manage it better to stay in my body while observing with my hands.

The warm up for the performance consisted of singing again, and I didn't feel any apprehension in the choir setup we used. Performing myself offered some amazing revelation: Constant directing expanded my voice throughout the entire body. I thought that directing immediately before I start to sing would be sufficient, yet I need to renew the directions quite often during the performance. Although I had my difficulties doing so, the results stunned me and were quite obvious for the audience.

Pregnancy

I had the first turn in this term with Libby, after playing around yesterday in the group work, and she helped me a lot in getting a sensation of width across shoulders. I knew for a longer time that I did some extra work with my shoulders, but I couldn't really pinpoint what. I thought about moving them back or forward, while in fact I narrowed them across my back. When I notice now the familiar uncomfortable twitching on the inside of my scapula, directing width of my shoulders offers the release (and probably the neutral position) I need.

Ferry took up most of the time of our group work where we tried to work on typing, a very common activity for me. However, the observations helped a bit in understanding some important aspects of it, yet I certainly use setups at home which foster bad use.

Instead of a second Julia gave a presentation about pregnancy, and how the technique can help women in this situation and during giving birth.

Hands on

The turn with Margaret really straightened me, and took away a lot of tiredness. I happily volunteered to be Anne's body for some chair and table work. She likes my precise feedback, and I like her hands that convey her good use quite easily to me.

The book session offered not too many new insights, another chapter of lengthy sentences, yet some interesting detailed description how ideas can manifest in use.

We did some playful exploration with our hands with Libby. We started off with sensitizing ours hands by blindly touching unknown objects, and continued to explore bodies, again, with eyes closed. I liked both parts of it, reading Kate's body and relaxing in her hands, without any Alexander seriousness in it. Finally Libby taught us the Vivien Mackay approach to use our hands: fingers long, palm wide and toned, molding them onto a body. Awesome experience.

Riding

This morning started differently: instead of turning up early, like usual, I dealt with some bureaucratic affairs and came in just in time for some group work. Marigold had one of her rare visits in school, and used her fantastic hands to sit us straight on a saddle. Although it didn't produce the massive change like it did the first time, my bum relaxed a lot after a session in the saddle.

I had a turn with her just before the yoga session, which started with some inexplicable apprehension on my side. However, this changed soon and I managed to experience some new kind of free movement during chair work. She reminded me of things I should know by now, like where our eyes project information and generate images, yet I certainly needed that reminder again.

The yoga session went by without any real revelations, besides the fact that I manage to reduce end-gaining more and more while doing yoga. I certainly had some good stretches, and used less effort.

Tired

The combination of reading news in the morning and some grey and rainy weather made me quite ill tempered. Jenny gave me table turn, and while lengthening my body she gave me interesting ideas about watching my reactions to adverse opinions that I might encounter as a teacher.

In David's small group we went back to the basics, picking up a book from the floor and monkeys behind a chair. It felt much easier than before, and Rossi and I used the opportunity to observe Ana, our newest student.

Jenny challenged us a bit more, pairing us up to detect movement and holding in our partner. First we took each others arm to swing it around, keeping directed and free in our necks while tensing some other parts of our bodies. Then, while sitting opposite to each other, we gave both arms away to play with it.

I get closer not only to understand how the arms work, but also to use them more in the way they are attached to the body. However, staying perceptive for my use and someone else's simultaneously requires a lot, but only practise can improve my awareness.

Performance

I didn't manage to find out how far I managed to improve my use during the turn with David, yet I noticed some of my tendencies/new habits while doing chair work. I guess it's about time to return to meditation, something that helped me to increase my proprioception.

In Jenny's group work we played with the whispered ahhh while lying down. Head movements become much more noticeable, and looking up to the ceiling gave the illusion of privacy.

I liked singing "She brings the rain", though I felt quite nervous during the first attempt. I'm not too sure whether the nervousness caused my gasping before singing, yet directing instead of focussing on not-gasping improved the performance significantly.

Anatomy

I had my turn with Duncan today, and we did some chair work. He still seems to try to impose his idea of challenging me, yet no conflict arose. I volunteered happily to get some table work from Anne, with really good results. I felt my shoulders and hips slowly melting softer while she had her hands on, a really pleasant experience.

I enjoyed Ann's anatomy sessions thoroughly, her relaxed yet knowledgeable style suits me well. I explored movement of the scapula with Ana, our new Brasilian student, and the movement of the prime movers together with Steven. Experiencing the involvement of large parts of the torso in any arm movements revealed some of my funny ideas about arms, and will help me integrating my limbs better.

Reading

I had a kind of fix me table turn with Margaret, which worked out really well. Feeling still quite jetlagged, it helped me to stay in my body, with a reduced amount of stimuli interfering. It looks like the process of unravelling my bodily habits looped back to my shoulders, after noticing the extra effort in my ankles, knees and hips.

We dealt with the worry habit during the reading session, yet not really in a satisfying matter. Although most teachers encounter apprehension, worries and anxieties at some point with their students, FM Alexander offered only an approach resembling cognitive therapy. Fortunately Alexander teachers use their hands as well, which allows them to give their students new (psychophysical) experiences instead of analysing causes to death.

In Jenny's group we tried to use the monkey to find out about our own worries, which failed me a bit, mainly because the jetlag diverted most of my attention.

Coming back

The first day at school was really busy, some new faces as well as some "returners" came in. I worked with Lailani, and get closer to understand the shoulder girdle a bit better. I still have difficulties to mentally integrate arms and legs into the torso, even though obviously lots of muscle groups in the back do the actual movements.

During the group work we tried to deepen the understanding of arm movement, and how much it can in the way of proper breathing. I felt quite tired after a weekend of travelling back from Germany, although I enjoyed observing myself in that unusual situation.

Ping

We did a warm up walk like yesterday, with Cathy 'pinging' us when passing. I spend my time observing, and only suggested another observation game. Attention seeking interfered with progress, but I still enjoyed the ride.

Thinking of my jaw as a limb still needs to find the way into my thoughts. Together with the roundness it can change my way of talking. I think I need to simplify my AT thinking even more. The head moves so that the body can follow, together with a shortcut to access this idea. Brilliant.

Change of habit

This week we have to deal with a change in our school routine - Cathy Madden is our visiting teacher. Instead of slotting her into the regular routine, she runs kind of a workshop with us. She has a very gentle approach, and uses a language bereft of most Alexander lingo.

I like her idea to simplify Alexanders wonderful work even more, down to head leads and body follows, having a very easy way to demonstrate this relation. She started off by asking each of us about our goals for the time with her, and managed to teach already by making us clarify what we want.

I tried to explain my goal, to layer more directions into any activity, which she clarified to the desire to integrate the technique into my life. I volunteered to work on speaking in public, and discovered that I had connected the sensation of arousal with negative attitudes. Instead of using the extra energy to enhance my activity, I tried to block it off, reflected in my use.

I need more work to play with this idea, and the experience of succeeding in the friendly environment of the school will certainly help. Time flew, and after a contemplative lunch break I had a short private lesson (30 min).

I didn't notice too much change during the lesson, but I received useful information about the way I speak, and the different sound characteristic of German and English. I became aware of the different 'roundness' of these languages, and can focus on using more facial muscles to produce the sound (or rather, stop the idea to use just the visible part of mouth and lips).

The third mind

I had my second turn with Duncan this week, and we started off with a bit of a confrontation. Instead of simply playing his game, I described in detail how the third mind stands in the way of progress. This little clash at the beginning seemed to help the rest of it - I managed to integrate back and front of my body better, and the focus on my feet leaving the ground while walking provided me with a nice up.

In the group, we played with walking backwards in a monkey, and leaning slowly against the wall.

More performance

I had a good turn with David today, noticing some of my bad habits while working with him. The group session crept slowly, mainly because nobody expected a book session on thursday, even though an email was send beforehand.

I managed to piss off Jane with talking about the government while waiting for the group work to start. We played with making sounds again, and a lot of my tension pattern connect to too much effort around my jaw.

Margaret worked with us on our performances, and her simple idea to rehearse the song mentally helped me heaps.

Taking it easy

While the first days at school felt quite odd, without Mum & Dad, David's presence took the edge away. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy my turn with Ann, I think I learned some bits as well.

The group with Duncan fitted into the category of criticism that came up in the group meeting, it seemed a bit random. However, using eating as activity unveiled to me that the time spend using a habit makes it more and more 'invisible'.

The second group with Ann worked out much better, even though she had the tough job of dealing with a really large group. However, it seems like she uses more of the Psychosynthesis approach, starting from the positive aspects. Unlike more paradigmatic Alexander teachers, she's using what works in a given situation, and thereby representing the mental clarity and flexibility promised by the technique.

the Conscious control

I had the first real turn with Margaret, and enjoyed her calm way of informing my body. The group with her was about crawling, which turned much more difficult than it sounded initially.

Matt conducted the book session in a school like setting, yet after a while the atmosphere felt quite nice. However, something seems happening, and I wonder whether I will find out.

Starting over

David is still in Europe, and Jenny went to NZ to attend the funeral of her father, so Duncan, Matt and John tried to run the show.

I got a bit upset when it looked like I wasnt gonna get a turn, yet Duncan did some last minute session with me. I made some interesting observations about my rising anger, and the attempts to stay content.

Yoga, like the turn, proved to be a bit on the literal side. Not to mention the group work with Matt. On the good side, Robert worked well on my shoulders so I had at least some hands on experiences on the first day back.

Kindergarten

The second day without David, and with one teacher down improvisation ruled. I had a splendid turn with Margaret though, which left me finely balanced. I spend some time with CJ, until the funny group work started.

We inspected killer consonants with attention and hands, although I didn't want to inspect Michael too closely. The real kindergarten started with Jenny's sing along session - fun yet effective.

I noticed some extra movement while pronouncing k sounds, which interfered quite a lot with Mackie Messer, which is full of it. However, I might go for a different interpretation, stressing the ideals of good old Bert Brecht.

Release the neck

My turn with Ferry felt good, his directions made it easy to observe myself during chair work. Anatomy with Jeremy wasn't as playful as usual, though we explored each others bodies by palpitating the head and chest.

I didn't really participate in the group work, instead I had a good table turn with Bo. I noticed the (hyper?) activity of my mind, and the change in bodily perception when I started directing myself more. Receiving specific directions helps me a lot to release extra tension, and getting back to the primary control prevented me from chasing pink elephants.

Playful

Duncan found me playing with the Cj ball, and we worked a bit on this during the turn. Most of the time, however, he used quite significant force the demonstrate some vital points where the weight travels through my body.

During the group work to play with legs on the table, and ribcages while sitting. The stimulus gets reduced with anything but the head, yet the sensitivity has to grow. Yoga felt mellow today, no fitness attack like in the last two weeks.

Playful

Matt spotted me juggling (not CJ), and we worked on the thinking related to the preparations for it during our turn. I have to experience more often that I balance by bringing my head forward and my back back, instead of the habitual bracing pattern.

During the group work we played selling the technique. Good one liners as answer can work out like an open question, and allow to explain AT driven by the interest of the listener.

More CJ

Penny enjoyed having a turn while I tried balancing my CJ ball, and gave me great feedback how I can proceed. The day turned a bit less playful with some more explorations of voice production, although I encountered new areas of investigation.

The performance situation still poses the biggest obstacle to some decent singing performance. However, I start enjoying it much more than I thought possible, and until the end of the term something will emerge.

Genuine interest

I had a turn with Libby, playing again with my CJ ball. Libby seemed to like the idea a bit more than John, and she reminded me of the way I use my arms. Giving myself indefinite amount of time for learning works so far well - I don't know where I will progress to, so I can appreciate even tiny advances.

The C&C session turn our very interesting, especially the interactive part with Bo. We talked about our perception of our fellow students, with interesting insights.

Reading

I had 10 minutes of chair work with David, and a full turn with Bronwyn, and felt quite up afterwards. Something still happens in my upper back, probably related to the shoulder girdle or even the neck. Stopping to do that gave me the up, yet I might play with the idea of connecting myself.

According to FM, we work on evolution, individual and for society as a whole. However, some of the statements cause irritation.

In Libbys group we investigated feet and ankles again, and it still did not get to boring.

Long way

I tried to work a bit on CJ with John during my turn, but the extra stimulus has not really helped. John encouraged me though to work on this, and I certainly plan to. Bo did a bit of chair work with amazing results - he moved my shoulder through a release I could not even imagine before.

In Jenny's group we continued playing with our thinking in activity. The eyes show clearly when quantum zeno happens, keeping them lively prevents zoning out. I use a lot of extra activity when using my eyes. When I tried to start reading, I noticed heaps of muscles moving in the area around my eyes. Softening the eyes, and keeping them lively while working with a computer screen, and allows for a new attitude (and direction) while doing this.

The yoga session brought about some good stretches, and less corrections than usual. Progress happens, it just drives me a bit mad.

Shoulders

Turns with Jenny give me a lot of precise information. I still hold my ankles a lot, and found some new ways of releasing them. In the group session we played an inhibition game, pointing to the chair you want to sit, walk over and wait until the occupier choose the next target. It got really funny when we started adding extra rules. We ended the day with some hands-on exercises

The biggest surprise however came from Bo, who told me interesting stories just after school.

Swing it

The turn with Margaret helped releasing my shoulders really well. I either notice better that I do too much with them or its the pink elephant effect, have will have to figure this out.

We did another session of hands-on sound production, this time with knowledge of some more muscles of the neck. Putting hands around the neck still produces a high rate of stimuli.

I liked my work with Jenny on Mack the knife, her idea of hitting the notes instead of sliding into them improved my singing at least a bit. I should probably rather have a swing tune in my mind than a hurdy-gurdy, something to remind until the next time.

Up and down

Although I claimed towards Jane that I use to work on mental pattern more than the body when having turns with Duncan, I failed to do so today. I spend most of the time trying to direct myself while listening, and I hardly managed to influence the conversation into topics that allowed me to gain insights. I wanted to investigate the way my head moves while talking, which seems so much easier with less engaging topics.

However, Duncan told me that I'm not doing my habit when I observe myself in the mirror, and it took me about 10 minutes to convince him to share his observations. To my surprise, he told me that I move the head forward and down, not without hinting that I appear as a barrier to him sometimes. I thought my pattern works back and down, which explains the difficulty in noticing this habit.

During the first group we observed ourself while using our arms, and I noticed the tendency to fall back to bad habits when doing it fast, while movement with more primary control allows flexibility of all involved joints. The third year students presented their ideas of an introductory group session, which showed different ways of doing it less efficiently.

Epiphany

The phenomenon of Alexander stiffness gets activated by the quantum zeno effect. By focusing of attention to our internal state we literally freeze the quantum activity, the permanent observation impedes the natural flux of the anti gravity reflex.

Free won't

I enjoyed the conversation with Bronwyn during our turn. I shared my enthusiasm about Jeff Schwartz's book 'Mind & Brain' and explained some of the implications of neuroplasticity for our work. I felt quite positive after David mentioned that I'm getting out of the pattern of misuse of my shoulders. Bronwyn's hands balanced my body so delicately that I could feel the weight travelling down to my heels, getting in and out of the chairs easily.

Razia's C&C session appeared more like a group therapy session than a commmunication training. However, it focuses on the how instead of the what, and the gentle approach proposed by her simply works out well in most cases. We discussed the 'inner critic' as partner work, a bit of interaction after lots of passivity.

However, besides two half turns Jen did some table work with me, while Robert supervised and helped her. This gave me enough up not to feel tired after school.

Heads

My attitude and Lailanis teaching approach didn't fit to well during our turn. I didn't feel addressed by her explanations, but felt a bit patronized, however, this gave me the chance to exercise inhibition.

The yoga turn brought no new revelations, yet I think I finally do the asanas a bit more in a desirable way. During our group work, with all first years, we took each other's heads on the table, a simple task with an amazingly high stimulus.

Backside

I worked with Libby on my habit to push the hips forward, and discovered some interesting relation. Part of the pattern to arch the body forward from the hips is excess tension in the back of the legs. Now, reflecting on this, it seems utterly logical: The weight is pushed in front of the body, so the back needs to "hold on".

During the group work we investigated our feet and ankle joints. Movements of the foot are mostly controlled by muscles in the back of the legs, which show an amazing amount of activity. When studying drawings and the skeleton I realised my funny ideas about the ankle joint, during our experiments I become very aware of the different mobility of left and right ankle joints.

As part of group work we moved one of us back and forth and to the sides to notice the range of passive movement available to the ankle joint. Walking after this felt incredibly easy, slowly I manage to connect my body throughout.

Doing less

Margaret attested a positive change in my use since monday, and I feel like I managed to do less with shoulders and hips. I surprised myself observing a funny behaviour when stopping to walk: I put the hips forwards, as if to put the breaks on. I have to resist the temptation to find an alternative doing to counteract this habit, not doing will do the job.

Jenny's groupwork dealt with sound production and hands-on while doing so. I had a chance to observe Tony, Maria and Jane with my hands. Using my hands on other people still overstimulates me, so that I won't notice too much. However, the activity of muscles on the top of the head when moving the palate surprised me a lot.

I sang Mackie Messer again, this time with Penny as teacher. Dancing turned out near impossible, especially as I confirmed my negative attitude (I can't dance) before even starting, although it improved the singing. I have to think about ways of moving while performing, otherwise i might get stuck in an Alexander student stiffness.

More communication

I had a good turn with Duncan today, we worked on maintaining the back in standing again. His hands made me aware about the curvature of my spine, as well as moderate and similar level of toning along the entire back of my body.

Today's communication and counselling session dealt with good and bad communication strategies. I felt a bit observed during the exercise, Stephen's approach worked well for me as talker. The listening part want okay for most of the time, yet at the end I couldn't resist to give some advice.

Duality

I worked with Jenny on the my pattern of standing with my hips arched forward. I can see this pattern in the mirror, and sense some of its components, but haven't managed to inhibit it. I noticed more distinctly the moments during the movement when I tend to shorten myself.

David made us observe each in the group work getting in out of the chair. Our misuse is less apparent, which makes this task challenging, but quite efficient as well. The book session led into a discussion about the historical context of Alexanders writing.

Jenny gaves an inspiring task on the chair: Slowly tilting forward, while thinking about picking up something and getting up from the chair alternatively. The initial torso movement does not differ for both activities, which allowed us to notice the superfluos activation of muscles for either activity.

Feet

The week started a bit unusual - due the coordination for the Yoga exhibition the turn time git shifted arounnd a bit. Margaret worked with me on the sensation of weight, grounding it with my heels. I enjoyed the yoga session, I get the impression of improvement.

John let us play with each other in the group session. We tried to guide each other by using our hands around the head and on the back and worked on our observation skills.

Counselling and communication

The day started with a bit of a surprise - Libby helped me experiencing some significant lengthening in the thoracic area. The pull back of the shoulders might as well belong to a holding pattern around my hips, I gradually get more sensitivity to feel the weight travelling through my body, although I didn't get to the heels yet.

We had the first C&C session with Razia, a psycho therapist and Alexander teacher. She stressed the importance of a gentle approach to enable an interactive communication and lined out some simple ways to achieve this. As a teacher our listening skills have to exceed our talking skills, without sucessfull communication no rapport can happen.

The exercises made me aware of some of known communication flaws, like my impatience while listening. The feedback from Jane and Kaz offered new insights. Jane attested me good reinforcement skills, but noted also the difference between this exercise and my usual ways of talking. She can see different tensional patterns in my face when I'm listening and when I'm preparing to say something, while Kaz noted more nervousness when the questions became more personal.

Drawing

I had half a turn with David and a full turn with Bronwyn, both with interesting observations. David mentioned that my back gets more flexible, and I feel a holding pattern slowly shifting up my spine. Of course, this shift might as well indicate more sensibility in the area and probably a partly resolved pattern. Bronwyn reminded me to get back to the primary control, no matter where we locate problems. I suspect that the shoulder tension relates to some holding around the hip joints, so I have to continue to experiment without too much judgement.

We inspected breathing with hands-on during the groupwork. We had a visitor today, Kaya, who will come for two more days into the school.

Weight shift

The morning started with a turn with John, exploring the different ways to release my shoulders. Yoga felt really good today, especially with a good forward stretch with feet on my back.

We experimented with weight shifting in the group with Jenny. Lifting the heels from the ground while sitting and standing provided plenty of information about holding pattern and gave good opportunity to exercise inhibition.

Tube

I had an interesting turn with David, which ended with some surprising pattern of pain in my back. Using my tongue differently, or rather stopping to do too much with it, helped a lot.

Matt wanted us in the group work session to explore the head more detailed. We did hands-on to sense our partner's head movement, which turned our quite difficult. The head movements
centered around the idea to sense the breathing tube, and maintain it in an expanded state.

Performance

I decided to have a fix me table session on my turn with Jane, the real work started in a short turn with Jenny. I felt quite fixed in my neck, and we played more with talking than anything else. I tend to press my tongue down (at least while singing), which might cause the tension between my shoulder blades.

We used our hands to sense each other breathing as group work, and later extended this to our jaws. The overuse of my tongue might provide the key to unlock some useless patterns.

ShouldersI

I explored walking in my term with Duncan. I still have (at least) one area in my back where I shorten my torso, probably a remaining part of the pattern to pull the shoulders back. While doing lunges I noticed a similar pattern in that activity, and found a simple optical check for the state of my back.

We played a lot with bones in our anatomy session, I liked assembling clavicle, scapula and humerus together most. I had only a faint idea about the glenohumero joint, and seeing the hinge joint between humerus and ulnar proved fascinating as well.

In our group work we played with the monkey again. I discovered some variation that can give me an incredible amount of extra length, something worth playing more with.

More of the same

I like having turns with Libby, we seem to connect easily and the sessions mostly end with mutual smiles. However, I feel the need to find out more about my own progress, as I still think that I suffer from faulty sensory appreciation.

I definitely need to resist the temptation to play mind games, although I consider this a valid strategy. During the first group session Margaret had a look on my use while talking, yet I still find an attentional layer to do it myself during the activity.

Back to school

The new term saw one new face, Jim, who already visited the school for anatomy sessions. And as had my turn with Margaret and Ria just like Maria, I did not start as first, and bounced around a bit during turn time.

Although I did hardly any work during the break, I have not yet forgotten everything. Playing around with hands-on proved again that human bodies by itself constitute a large stimulus. The day at school ended with a surprise pilates session, which might leave me with some sour muscles.

Neutral Mask

The first term of my Alexander Technique teacher training ended today after a five day residential course. Our schohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifol went to the Maitripa comtemplative centre in Healsville, a buddhist retreat in a beautiful part of the Upper Yarra Valley.

No TV, radio, mobile phone or internet disturbed the calming effect of the surroundings, and Paul Hampton, actor and Alexander teacher, presented the theme of this residential: the Neutral Mask.

David, Jenny, Penny McDonald, Ria and Margaret made up the teaching crew, and besides Jose every student came for at least some of the time to Healsville. The first day started with a nice lunch and the Neutral Mask. Paul brought a bunch of white masks, the eyes slightly downward slanted, the mouth a little bit less smiling than on the linked photo.

The mask does not know anything, wondering about everything and saying yes to everything. The mask lives in an imaginary world, aware of an all surrounding horizon, moving its view around with its head and not its eyes. The mask does whatever it want to do, however, it does not speak and does not explore its body. One can only see the mask when it faces the audience.

Paul instructed the participants into the characteristics of the mask, and how to handle the transition of oneself into the Neutral Mask. You treat the physical mask with respect, never put it face down, never poke your fingers through its eyes. You stand facing a wall, have a good look at the face you will put on in some seconds, take the rubber band around the back of the head, slide it slowly down onto your face and make it sit comfortable.

We started with all of us wearing a mask, and walking through the room, getting a first impression how it feels to wear it, breathing mainly through our mouths as hardly any air passed through the tiny holes of the nostrils.

Then we played some setting through, with three or four masks playing in the same imaginary setting. Have we seen the mask? I enjoyed both observing and wearing the mask. The settings became more complex from day to day, from involving objects to doing hands on partner work on the last.

I hope to find a source for some decent Neutral Mask, best with androgynous features. Using the mask on workshops looks like a promising idea for AT group work and even introductions into the principles.

Brazil

My turn with Penny had some surprising elements, yet she manages to have similar "watery" qualities in her hands even outside the pool. I get further and further away from my idea of standing when doing chair work. I felt quite light after the turn, and enjoyed it while walking around.

We worked a lot with whispered and sounded "aaah", something I neglected a bit myself. Having hands on while Stephen and Jenny did this offered new insights - while I can notice holding easily, doing this activity directed just produces a decent muscular tone and allows the vibrations of sound travel to the back of the body.

While singing about old Brazil I realised the amount of tension I hold around the jaw, I still need to mentally integrate the jaw into the neck. I achieved the best results while dancing with Penny, sometimes an overload of stimuli helps doing less.

Group work

My turn with Duncan turned out a bit confrontational. I felt like reducing the amount of stimuli by doing table work, yet he went down a different road. I went into the typical twist - wanting to answer his questions (probably with tensed neck and shoulders), while having to life with him stopping me from doing so.

I feel pretty much drained at the end of my first term, though I look forward to the residential, without knowing how this total immersion will work out. Although I like the idea of "quickening the mind" (in FM's words), I fail to see this happening to a larger extend with my fellow students.

I had some lengthy conversation with Bo, trying to tie AT principles into the chat about the use of digital cameras. The communicative aspect of the work appears much easier at the moment to me than observation and hands-on, although it challenges me a lot (especially to keep my directions while doing so).

Libby's group work really made my day. We played with resistance, assistance and neutral while doing chair work. Even though I didn't manage to sense the level of connectedness with Jane and Jen, the I distinguished the quality of movement in the different modes. Especially availability feels very distinct from resistance and assistance.

Working with Gen and Cal felt easy, probably as they direct themselves already very good. I realised that thinking directions helps connecting, yet moving people involves an activity. I need to find the fine line between directing while moving and pushing. I enjoyed the partner work with Cal a lot - she gives very precise feedback, and directs herself very good, which makes it easy for me to stay in my body while working with her.

Ann had her group of year 2 students preparing some group work, which we tried with everyone. I couldn't resist to play devil's advocate, yet I realised that not everyone takes criticism as feedback. Kaz, having his doubts about AT at the moment, provided the most fun way to do group work, using the snap gard came to demonstrate the principle of inhibition.

Undoing oneself doesn't come easy, and the perception of one's identity, or ego, stands mostly in the way. On a mental level, the ego prevents most people from changing their habits of thinking, and working on this opens a difficult battlefield.

Biking

I need to learn to trust the body mechanics again. During my turn with Bronwyn I managed to walk in a natural way, falling forward and letting my legs swing to keep me going. I like working with her a lot, following the directions for specific parts of the body, although I'm still tempted to "feel it out" occasionally. The idea of directing my tail to keep my back back help a lot.

The group work was a lot about observation, as my bike still needs fixing and we watched how Ineke, Simon and Stephen rode their bikes. Having more 600 muscles means plenty of opportunity to use more than required, and identifying misuse helps giving a student information how to direct and what to inhibit.

In Jenny's group we put our hands on the back of a chair, and even without the strong stimulus of a human body it challenged me a lot. I embarked on a long journey, and have to inhibit the temptation to try hard. Continuos practice, without to much care about the result, will improve the sensitivity to a usable state.

More Yoga

While having a turn with John I noticed that my hips still don't move too much. The idea of letting "my tail down", however, helps preventing the shortening of the lumbar region. Although I know now more about the roundness of my shoulders, and that my arms are attached to
the front of the body, I still to manage to shorten myself laterally.

Even though we just went through 4 or 5 postures in the yoga session, it felt a lot like a workout. The difference between just copying the postures somehow, and staying directed while doing them does not fail to amaze me once again.

During the second group session we talked about Kaz' frustration, possibly due to the lack of explanation why AT works at all. Jenny, as a virgo, does not think that "energy systems" are involved, but has no problem working with people who do think so.

Shoulders

Today's turn with Jenny brought some more light in my understanding of knees and shoulders. The groups dwelled on the topic of shoulders as well, as we tried in partnerwork to find out how much the shoulders get involved when moving the arms.

The idea of length poses not too much of a problem for me, but I still tend to shorten the width of my trunk. However, the perception of my body becomes more three-dimensional and less fragmented.

Put your hands up

I woke up today to the sound of bad news - Mark F died in a diving accident on Monday. The first link I forged to this country has left this planet, and it hardly evoked emotions in me. Or rather, I hardly noticed any.

So I chose table work when having my turn with Margaret, and the thoughts about Mark's death went to the background for a while. While observing the other teachers, Kaz asked me to do some chair work with him. The connection with his hands worked really well, the movement felt a bit unsynchronised.

We observed another victim lying in semi-supine trying to make sounds as group work. Only practice enables me to know where to look - although some pattern look similar, everyone combines a multitude of minor misuse into an individual pattern.

The same things happened during the performance session. We could easily observe the effect of monitoring, and its detrimental influence to our performance. Checking one's own use needs practice, and the time required can decrease, once it becomes a habit. However, without presence the performance can not convince.

Group meeting

I like the challenges Jeremy gave me during the turn, as it creates more the impression of progress than doing chair work for the hundred first time. I still don't include my jaw always in the neck, time will help. We looked at Bo's cycling as group work, having the bike mounted on some clever gear.

The group meeting felt stranger than I expected. The difference in experience resulted in hardly any agreement among all of us, as note taker I had to refrain myself from dominating the round.

Hangover

The gogo juice kept me awake for a long time, I felt a bit sleepless when I had the turn with David. The queazyness prevented me from trying too hard, yet I could still feel my serratus posterior inferior. The way I stand seems to change daily, I can feel the weight more clearly in heel, balls, side and toes. Maria did some table work with me, with very subtle effects.

This weeks reading was less controversal, although I still wonder a bit about a confrontational approach to "mental rigidity". Bronwyn reminded me of the consentual aspect of the learning process....

In the group work we sensed each other backs, and my hands felt hardly anything. My observation and sensation need plenty of improvement.

Walking up

I was working with David and a chair in my turn. Although I managed to move with releative ease there were still some unsynchronized movements. When I had to walk I caught the impulse to rock back after Davids hand left my neck. The second time I managed to inhibit this impulse to tried to get used to the sensation of falling forward, and David could see more "up" in me.

The group work with Matt felt quite physical, monkeys in all variations. I got some sore spot on my back today, reshaping my shoulders seems a bit painful.

Ease

Working with Jane turned out to be fun, and she managed to give me a lot information while working on the chair. I tried to inhibit my head back, shoulder up pattern while speaking, and noticed the preparatory actions before I was speaking. I'm less confused by non-local effects any more, but rather cherish the opportunity to recalibrate my proprioception.

On the table Jane and I managed significant release of the shoulders, knowing more about the structure of this area helps a lot. I still need to develop a decent sensation of width throughout my trunk in a lengthened state.

Anne worked with me straight after Jane, and surprised me a bit when she asked to have an AID AT T-shirt. I might have found a first ally to use more of the internet.

Singing gets a bit easier, I manage my level of apprehension better. I chose a different song, and Cal noticed the different pattern between speaking and singing with me. Jenny needed less extreme movements to keep me on track, and glimpsed my self during the performance.

Inhibition

I tried to spruik the wiki today, with minor sucess. Anne, Kate and Duncan noticed the t-shirt, but I still like David to recognise and use the mailing list and spread the word. End gaining? Hard to say, I feel more like I inhibited myself a lot.

I had turns with Duncan and Ferry today. I worked with Duncan and the impulse to fix myself in standing. Ferry worked with me while I was sitting and reading, exploring the shoulder blades kinaestetically and mentally.

Anne gave an introduction to group work, including the P'ching short cut. The playful and unjudgemental approach of the pair work made some basic principles of the work tangible.

Conscious control

I like having turn with Jenny, her gentle hands seem to connect easily, and she provides me with lots of tactile information. However, talking to her about the emotional aspect of the self and our work left as curious as before.

I did some table work with Maria after that. I understand the way my shoulders work better now, and notice more of the deeper layers of muscles coming back to life (and into my awareness). And I manage to layer more directions together, intent does the trick. She explained to me convincingly that the jaw belongs to the neck, so I should include it in the direction "neck free".

I still haven't plugged the Aid-AT wiki, somehow I inhibited myself from talking about it today. T-shirt communication will make that inevitable tomorrow. The discussion about "Applying conscious control" went into biscuit and chocolate addiction.

Shoulders

I had half a turn with David and a full one with Ria. I talked shortly with her about my emotional confusion, but I'm not too sure if I took her answer on board. I cannot get out the way I came in.

Lailani explained the shoulder a bit more, and I could experiment to direct Ria, while playing with the mobility of the arm. Learning details about the anatomy of shoulder and arm certainly helps me calibrating my sensations in this area. I felt the roundness of the shoulder blade, and its movements while the arm moved.

Leading

I still work on understanding more of the emotional component of our work, yet not overly active. While working with Matt, I noticed a lot of release in areas far away from the point of contact, the idea of the possibility of communicating nervous systems makes the experience easier.

Matt stressed the importance of trust, and we played with directing each other through the room. Leaving the hand of the director felt a bit like unplugging, although the sense of the connection felt much more subtle. Jose could lead me easily and even tough i touched the gym ball I felt safe. I had difficulties leading Bo, he left my hand a lot and we could not very efficiently communicate.

Cal followed easily directions, even going backwards went like a charm. While I received directions, I could notice the space behind me, a thought that opens me up a lot. I just tried to stay aware of the space behind me while trying to unicycle, and it made a great difference. By ordering my activity I can focus my awareness to my intent, instead of letting the mind control the body. The mind keeps busy with the outside world, even more so as we cannot see to the back.

My temptation to go out to a larger space with the unicycle grows. Do I start to gain ends here? However, I get the idea that "ordering" means laying out an order of events, which then do their job in the background, as means to the intent of that activity.

Learning to unicycle provides plenty of opportunity for observing, inhibiting and directing. Currently I tend to internalise while ordering myself. The eyes, as part of the balance system, need awareness and focus, visual points of reference guide our bodies in motion. The less I think about the unicycle, the more I understand it.

Old pattern

During my turn with Jenny we worked on the activities sitting and standing. I still do some (useless) things to satisfy my concept of standing, instead of keeping my directions in activity. This reminds me of Duncan's comment about difficult (or hard) things while talked about the limits of attention. We have to deal with a high level of stimuli. Each stimulus potentially triggers a response, yet not like behaviourists assume, a definite and predictable one, more like an avalanche.

We notice the result of the avalanche as holding pattern, we might not know the path it took or which other avalanches might have triggered this one. Undoing one part of wrong doing often fits into a larger pattern of the same misconception, and some parts might resist undoing longer than other. Like with any other field of interest, more time spend in observation enables appreciation and awareness of detail.

The separation and mind and body, Descartes error, exists only as meme. Learning how efficiently the nervous systems uses the body helps undoing useless modes of thinking. The experience of mind-body unity and of the connection of two nervous systems challenges quite some scientific believes.

Introspection opens the gate to consciousness. Consciousness can then connect and communicate. So much for the idea, as I did not connect too well today. My emotional system sends irritating signals, the next system that needs further introspection and understanding.

Group work consisted of further observation of saying ah while lying done. Different breathing and holding pattern emerged. The performance showed an interesting dynamic. Obviously, not only me feels uncomfortable with the idea to sing in front of the others. I have to find out whether stating the obvious helped or harmed.

Riding

Today I had my turn with David, who helped me finding yet another pattern in my misconception of standing. I tend to push from my sternum, which brings neck and head out of alignment. While working with Kaz on the table a lot of release in the front of my body and hips happened, just when Kaz was doubting that anything would happen.

In the group work with Marigold we looked at riding. By spiraling around our thighs Marigold helped us releasing the legs, so that instead of sitting like on a chair, the legs could simply hang from the hip joints. The balance initiated just from head, neck and back. What felt like a anterior release turned out as posterior release of those muscles pulling the bum together and the pelvis back.

Conscious control

I had a relaxed turn with Libby, with talking shoulders and gripping feet. I played a lot with the wobble board, still impressed by Rachel's amazing presence. The reading session went a bit funny when I aired my objection towards the fight-flight reflex, yet even funnier when it came to the idea of buddying up.

We prepared some ad hoc speeches in Libby's group to introduce AT, I need to find a place to expand some of similarities between computing and conscious control.

Talking shoulders

Today I had a turn with Emma, who graduated in our school a year ago. I chose to do table work, which gave some good insight about the work my shoulders do when I prepare to speak. Not only while speaking I pulled the arm into the shoulder, even while thinking about speaking I could feel the muscles moving, or least preparing to move. While on the table, I guessed that this pattern might originate from the school times, when I had to raise my arm to answer questions - and as the clever and ambitious kid I impersonated in school I used to put a lot of vigor in it.

"Education is dissassociation", and this my case the urge or the preparation to speak involves shoulder work. Now, while reflecting on the situation I can observe the activation of my shoulders as a preparation to speak. The impulse seems lesser when formulating speech in my mind, I could try to speak in a chorus - my inner voice prompting my audible voice.

Rachel Zahn spend another three hours with us, and this time I took notes. As I didn't find Bucky Fuller's three questions on the web, I could happily jot them down:
1) Where is nothing being done?
2) Where are resources passing each other unnoticed?
3) Where are known resources being wasted?

Rachel stressed again the importance to communicate abundandly and efficiently outside the Alexander world, to get more (scientific) recognition and exchange, and open new areas to find students. Only time can tell, whether we can rearrange the educational system, which currently suffers from an "architecture of madness", but I feel challenged to work on bridging the Alexander world to the rest of this lovely planet.

Rachel described the learning process of AT as a removal of filters, which enable a different kind of perception. When she first put hands, she felt some other life in her hands, a connection of nervous systems. The fields radiating from chemical and electrical processes in the body might explain the transmission mechanism for this process. I could nearly feel into her memories of that moment, that she called almost spiritual.

Yet far from appearing like sanctifying herself, she smiled about her former (faulty) conception, having removed that filter on her way, and understanding more about the obstacles that many students, including herself, encounter. Undoing liberates from restrictive patterns, which have physical, mental, emotional and spiritual dimensions. (The AT lacks a concept of spirituality, and I might misconceive the latter part. )

A glimpse of the future

"I'd rather have my brain using my mind, than my mind using my brain."

We had no school today, instead, we attended a presentation by Rachel Zahn. She introduced first the concept of rapid learning, which demands a break each 20 minutes of two to five minutes to refresh the brain.

During the first break, everyone participated in the suggested exercise, which consisted of choosing a point a reference, closing the eyes and counting up to four breath out cycles. The next breaks ended in chatter and running around, which meant we skipped a lot of breaks, while skipping over some parts of the presentation.

Rachel talked about the approach to bring some scientific backup to the Alexander Technique, especially from the areas of neuroscience and philosophy. Unfortunately, I did not take notes, but might have a chance to ask about Buckminster Fuller's three questions on monday.

Alexander's (and John Dewey's) idea to use the technique for education becomes more tangible, and ideas of David Chalmers, Varela and others provide a link between the work and science. I just jotted down some of the names that I heard tonight, and will have to do some research about their concepts soon.

Singing

The idea of singing on this performance day made me a bit apprehensive. Although I felt quite good and thought to have understood the idea of releasing into the teachers hands yesterday, I was relatively stiff when I had my turn with Jenny.

It took me until the performance session, which started around 12 to notice that a lot of today's holding came from this apprehension to perform in public, and although our group had only four members (Tristan, Jose, Rossi and me), I felt really nervous.

Jenny managed to free me up a lot before I even started. I directed myself as good as I could, but still in my breath overly in preparation for my performance. Like Jose, I pulled my head back and stiffened my legs, and now I still feel a bit sore on the outside of the top of the femur, where I pulled my legs together.

But after I got into singing, while Jenny worked with me, I could let go of the tension and surprised myself with the sounds that appeared. I wonder whether I should keep with Hans Albers for the performance, or rather choose another song. However, I learned much more by trying to sing than by reciting. It nails down to a pattern of nervousness due to standing in front of others and perform, another good bit to work on.

Antigravity

Another day with two turns, yet with less revelations than yesterday. The first turn was with Duncan, and therefor more on the verbal side of things, which sometimes overstimulates me a bit. Nevertheless, this gives me the opportunity to exercise using directions as a background process, and I learned a bit more of the relation between my knees and back.

I worked with Ferry for the first time, and had to adjust to his firm hands. I plunged into the chair when I sat down, as I didn't use my hip joints properly, while he directed me by putting hands around my neck. When Libby started working on him while he worked on me it felt much lighter, and I responded much better to a more gentle approach. However, I could collect useful information while doing it "wrong", especially about releasing with verbal suggestion, which worked very well to increase the mobility of my arms.

We came back to ordering and directing in the group work with Libby. We started observing each other undirected, and I happily plunged and collapsed into the chair. The most amazing change happened (with me) when we tried to keep the directions during the movement. A simple "neck free" allowed me an easy getting in and out of the chair, and the other group members (and me) noticed some drastic difference between directed and unconscious movement.

The anatomy session with Anne covered unfamiliar territory, and I liked especially the idea of the antigravity reflex that can kick in once the neck is released. I went into a bit of disagreement about the kind of nerves for muscular control - I brought up intramuscular nerves in addition to those connected in a spinal reflex cycle and those ending in cortical motor area. I better research whether those exist (or not, as David and Anne insisted), as well as the concept of the antigravity reflex (or positive support reaction).

Revelations

I had the pleasure of doing two turns today, I just have no idea why. The turn with Libby happened nearly like a private lesson. We went to the back room to get in and out of the chair, and I worked to eradicate my funny concept of standing. I still consider it more of a pose than an activity, which stiffens me a lot. Nevertheless, staying aware of my weight traveling through my joints into my feet can replace the idea of standing, although it's hard to inhibit the habitual thought.

I just had time for a bit of semi-supine when I had my turn with Bronwyn, still excited about something new to play with. And after I learned more about my idea of standing, she revealed to me a very comfortable position to sit in. She asked me to sit deep in the chair, sitting bones nearly at the back, so that the back of the chair could support my back slightly. It felt even more comfortable than the position of mechanical advantage, probably because we used an Alexander chair.

The reading for this week dealt with directing and ordering, a differentiation that most Alexander teachers understand idiosyncratic. However, Libby encouraged us to find our wording (and range) of directions - no golden bullet for directing oneself exists, as students differ the teacher have to find the best approach always individually.

Reverse monkey

My day started with a slight hangover, a bit of a cold, tense muscles spiced up with some self-pityness. I fostered this combination while in semi-supine before I had a turn with Jenny. Although I didn't anticipate my situation to get better, the turn brought me back into a more balanced state. As soon as I stopped trying hard, and feeling bad about the misuse during the weekend, release happened and got me more aware again.

As only half of the students came in today, I had a second turn with Ria, exploring the range of motion of my arms. The yoga session felt intense, although I already forgot how we started it. Doing the dog again drained a lot of energy, yet doing it properly brought some good stretching. We ended the yoga session with a reverse monkey, walking up the wall while supporting the body weight with the hands.

I slowly begin to understand the monkey now, and it certainly works better with intention than micromanaged on joint level. The final group session lasted only half an hour, and while waiting for the Pilates session with Heidi I tried to teach juggling to Ria and Rossi.

The pilates exercises challenged me a lot, although we did them in a slow pace. We started with raising awareness for our breathing, as most exercises synchronise breathing and movement. As all of us lack core strength, Heidi chose exercises involving the pelvic floor. Pilates challenges me more than expected, yet I like it. I will try to find some description on the web of what we did to do a little homework.

Kung Fu

Duncan came in today to work with the students, and we working on my horse stance and my punches. I hesitated to work on this, as I thought that without knowing Wing Chun correcting anything would not work, but Duncan proved me wrong. After two years I still lean back in the horse stance, which affects my punching as well. I got pretty much used to a specific stress pattern in my legs, and just by moving the hips a bit more back I get can upright in my stance. And instead of allowing the elbow to go straight up to finish a punch, I wanted to extend from my shoulder.

I felt overstimulated during the group work, as Duncan explained a lot, which made focusing on my proprioception more difficult than usual. The simple of act of directing myself out of chair after leaning back allowed for some variations full of effort. I got more tired this week than before, although I'm still progressing, at least I think so.

Now

I go the school early enough to have the first turn, but I haven't arrived as first one yet. Maria does her usually her semi supine when I arrive, and as both us had a turn with Vivien Mackay, I got the second turn this time. I liked watching her working, yet working with her really stunned me. Her hands fluidly sensed my back, and it felt most of the time more than stroking than directing, a very pleasant sensation. The amount of release we accomplished made me incredibly light, and the softness of her touch allowed me a lot of ease.

In the group work she told us about the power of the right moment, which occurs when student and teacher connect their intention and move as one. Maria worked with me, assisted by Jenny, who compared the right moment with catching a wave. And indeed, once you missed a wave, you have to start over again, and take the next one. As much as teacher can sense the student holding, I could feel Maria's apprehension sometimes during the group work. By synchronising intention, flow can happen. Once the right moment to move has come, this flows needs to continue, otherwise tensions on either side might interfere with the freedom of movement.

While having some biscuits and sparkly to celebrate Vivien's birthday I had a chance to talk some German again. Daniella's parents migrated to Australia shortly after her birth, and her German had an interesting mix of influences. The combination of an elating session with Vivien and some sparkly made me a bit tipsy, and I carried this cheerful mood into the performance. As I didn't dare as yet to sing, I enjoyed watching the way Vivien worked, and the change brought to Jose's singing.

Vivien's explanation that singing needs more not-doing than doing the right thing convinced me to give it go next time, singing the old Hans Albers "Auf der Reeeperbahn nachts um halb eins".

Twisted

I try my best to start school on time, which usually means that I have my turn in the first round, this time again with Jeremy. It went wilder than usual, as Jeremy twisted me around, leading me into some awkward positions. Doing this prevented me easily from anticipating his moves, and felt more like remote control.

I observed some sore sensation around the teres muscles, which might indicate an release in this area (or overuse during yesterdays Wing Chun session). The scapula can move a bit more around, something that I notice usually after some minutes of semi-supine.

The turn helped me in identifying the moving parts during walking, the slight rotation of the lumbar region, counteracted by swinging the contralateral arm, and slightly turning the head ipsilateral to the moving leg. Knowing which parts move where didn't lead straight away to a more natural gait, Jenny's directions to keep the thoracic region above the hip, keeping the hip as part of the back back worked a bit better.

As the lower part of the body feels a bit disconnected, I still start walking with my hips leading. We looked with David in the group closer at walking, and the relation of ankles, knees and hips. I noticed some subtle head movement while just thinking about moving the legs, and the temptation to regain the familiar feel of walking by throwing the shoulders back and shifting the hips forward. Straight walking feels at the moment a lot like falling, so I better focus on my directions while walking and ignore the faulty sensory appreciation for a while.

The anatomy session dealt with the scientific terms for directions and joint types. Jeremy played little games to deepen our understanding and use of this terms, which made the session really enjoyable. I realised that my idea of the location of the heart had nothing to do with its actual position... luckily we don't need to direct our hearts.

Inhibition

I had a turn with David again, doing the old sitting in a chair routine. I realise that the feeling of locked knees belongs in my habits to the idea of standing. Today's reading dealt with inhibition, and we extended the topic in the group sessions. Jenny tried her best to explain the difference between inhibition (in AT understanding) and withholding consent. I'd better reread the chapter for today to get my head a bit better around this.

I still struggle trying to do the right thing instead of more not-doing, end-gaining remains a temptation. I use the low ceiling in the basement to check my height every now and then, currently just my chin is lower than the ceiling on the last step.

Luckily I did my anatomy homework already yesterday, it took me more than an hour. My progress definitely depends on my efforts, which I might increase in a non endgaining way.

Yoga and Pilates

The third week started, and no repetition happened so far. I had my turn with Lailani, and learned about the subtle movement of the legs while sitting down and getting up. We delved deeper into this exploration at the group work, which offered plenty food for thought.

Maria had a short go to work with me, but I wasn't used as much as exploration object as I wanted to. However, after most 2nd and 3rd years had their go on Bo, our largest guy, David asked me to follow him sitting down. Although my fingers aren't too sensitive yet, I enjoyed the challenge to keep myself coordinated while having hands on.

Using my hands to direct others is a real challenge, as the teacher has to be more coordinated than the student. Without sufficient release I lack the sensibility to know what's happening with a potential student. I'm encountering now the difficulty to apply heaps of directions simulantenously, directing myself still takes some effort.

We started the Pilates session after school, with an assessment of strength and range of mobility. Initially I was happy to have the best scores, I grew even more happy when I found out about some of my weaknesses. I'm looking forward to the next sessions.

Hands on

Having just six people on Fridays feels good, especially as half of us went swimming together yesterday. Matt came into the school for teaching, and I had my turn with him. We did the sitting on a chair routine. I realise that I lost "contact to the ground" with my legs. Bracing them prevents me feeling the upward direction from the ground.

The effect of releasing my hip joints in the water continued until today. I get more a sense of the additive character of directions, although the three primary keep me already occupied. Today even Rossi and I started putting our hands on.

I understand the importance of the teacher's coordination better now. When I had my hands on Cal's head, she could sense the release of my neck through my hands. My sensitivity certainly has to increase, which most likely happen as a side effect of maintaining coordination.

Swimming

I can't really say that the course so far fosters building of new habits in regards to a school day. Although everything we did relates to the work, each day held new surprises, which helps to keep the mind flexible and open.

We went to Penny McDonald's place to do some swimming. Or rather not doing swimming. Penny worked with me while I floated in the pool, which allowed very precise sensation of the hip joint. My neck felt a bit stiff during the turn, however, being in the water allows a different form of information gathering.

Bo displayed an amazing mobility in the water, his head moved with ease while his body followed snake like the directions of Will and Penny.

I really enjoyed gliding effortless through the water, and my relation to water and swimming relaxed a lot. Experimenting with new and familiar activities turns into pleasurable data collection sessions, so I'm looking forward to the pilates session next week.