Fun friday

Yesterdays storms flooded the Merri Creek Path in a few spots and left some muddy stretches and some puddles behind. I manage to keep the unicycle under me while driving through the slippery bike path, I didn't want to bath my new Fivefinger shoes on the first day I was wearing them.

I worked with Matt on the vision dance, a movement sequence I learned at Peter Grunwalds workshop. I do it usually on my way to school on a patch of lawn next to the bike path, it offers me a great opportunity to observe myself in motion. Matt suggested some minor changes for synchronization of the movements, and picked up less directed part of it.

I spend some time with Sharon, talking about the 'zone' and showing her a way to take a student's legs while sitting. When she applied this technique to me (simply putting the leg on the thigh while kneeling in front of the student), something strange happened to my left ankle. I noticed some release on the inside of it, and Sharon remarked it was as if something in my ankle had woken up. The sensation brought up the memory of the injury I had there 24 years ago, running around on crutches, and not using my left leg for weeks as a consequence.

Matt started the group experimenting with ideas about our 'inner talk'. He asked us to write different things, later to use a different voice for this inner dialogue. A nice way to wrap some quite complex stimulus into a fun group activity. When he guided each of us through a chosen activity, he encouraged us to wait until he inhibited everything we noticed. I was quite inspired by the way he ran the lesson today, which makes me wonder whether his teaching style has improved, my perception has changed, or whether a mixture of both happened.

Learning the technique seems to engage most of my fellows students so much that there seems little room left to learn about new technology. My attempts to spread the word about the Twitter Project haven't yielded much success so far, and I haven't advertised too much my interview with Robert Rickover. Hmmm... is this negative self-talk?

Working in front of the computer still activates a lot of old habits, but it's easier for me now to notice strain, have pauses in semi-supine and remember my directions more often. As I'm using really old equipment, I had plenty of chances to study some old habits in detail, yet I enjoyed building the start of the Tweet Factory and the AlexTech Blog feed.

Strong stimuli

During my turn with Margaret I discovered an interesting detail of my faulty sensory appreciation. I was convinced that I moved my shoulders back in certain situations, while I was in fact arching backwards from the thoracic spine. I felt an inner fight starting when I inhibited this movement, and humbled by the discovery of this blind spot in my body map.

I did a bit of chair work with Amanda, looking for more sensitivity in my hands. I get a better idea which parts are moving and which are held, although still fuzzy. It's hard to distinguish who is doing the holding, just being present still happens only for some short moments.

The discussion of this weeks reading with Vivien turned into pure pleasure. Although FM's writings are far from easy, she embodied an amazingly subtle understanding of his words, and guided us through some important aspects of the text.

Vivien then went with the large groups through spirals and hands on the back of the chair, another pleasure to observe.

Back home, another stimulus was waiting for me - preparing the kit for a skype interview. Just after I send Robert Rickover an email to negotiate a time for it, the disk of my laptop stalled (and hasn't been accessible since). I had already tested the bluetooth headset, and even with 64k the sound quality was okay.

A lot of anger about faulty technology surfaced temporarily, yet I inhibited going on a ride with them, and started thinking about alternatives. I can go online with my MiniMac and even with my phone, there must be another way...

I decided to upgrade Skype first, and then connect the head set. But even five tries to connect to skype failed - wrong network settings. I found a symbian version of skype and gave that a go. However, although I have a keyboard on the phone, I couldn't access the underscore character (_), so I had no chance of typing in my user name...

There's luckily the option to sign up for an account in the skype client, so I simply created a new account and, voila, I connected without problem. I checked all the gear with a call to the 'echo' facility, the sound isn't too good unfortunately. Anyway, that's at least one working solution, although probably not really suitable for recording.

I guess it takes some computing power to digitize voice, wrap it into nice packets, send it over the network, all the while receiving data and decoding it. I remembered using the old version of skype, so I downgraded and indeed, I could log on again. I don't remember what I used as microphone, so I went ahead and connected the head set.

Optimistically, I made a test call, and was shocked to hear the external speakers. I checked the settings, and chose the headset for in- and output. I spoke after the beep, but on the replay I just heard the lovely voice explaining the test. Bummer. My MiniMac hasn't got built-in bluetooth... which provides me with another option: getting a new blue-tooth dongle. Although I can see the device and receive data, it simply ignores all input, maybe, after all, my bluetooth keyboard isn't broken.

So instead of spending maybe 15 minutes to get skype up and running in good quality, I spend about three hours fiddling around with suboptimal solutions. Even though I got a fallback solution, I notice how much the stimulus 'fixing a computer problem' reactivates the habits I cultivated as IT specialist. What a prize to pay for the bit of flow when finding solutions provided a pleasurable challenge.

Right now, while I can't even reset the headset to be used with the phone, I can observe a lot of useless mental chatters from similar situations in the past. At least, I added some more time (and money) to remove potential blue tooth errors - and had another nice unicycle trip instead of cursing technology.

On the other hand, I notice how much I got back into the habit of surfing while watching telly. Maybe it's good to separate these time killers again, especially as there's lots of 'habitual' programming with most TV content. Another aspect of not using the laptop is the climate - the study heats up a lot. Back to basics, back to books.

Stop thinking?

Yesterday I ran into an interesting controversy about thinking. There is a definite desire in some people to 'stop thinking', but I suggested that you will have to be dead to achieve this. Luckily, we moved onto a different topic instead of getting into a senseless debate.

I define 'thought' as specific, repeatable nervous system pattern that accompanies muscular movement. In this way I presume that the activity of the autonomous nervous system is 'thinking' as well. This very technical definition allows me to avoid consciousness for a moment, and it also implies the peaceful coexistence of simultaneous thoughts. Ornamental decorations in mosques can give you an idea of the complexity of thinking in any given moment, a variety of interwoven patterns creating a whole. To make this analogy closer to experiental reality, you will have to animate the ornament.

Fractal imagery suits also well to represent the intrinsic combination of order and chaos. We don't need to be aware of our life-preserving patterns like heart beat or breathing, yet we don't gain any advantage by labelling those processes 'non-thought'.

In terms of Alexander Technique, meddling with breathing or heart beat would have been most likely called 'interference' by the master himself, and in most cases rightly so. People do all sort of things when you ask them 'to take a deep breath', imposing 'conscious' thoughts how to take a deep breath over the 'unconscious' thought deriving from the carbon monoxide level in the blood.

I admit, this extensive definition of 'thinking' contradicts the cultural habit to link 'consciousness' or 'awareness' to thought. Usually the verbalizing part of the neuronal fireworks is considered 'thinking'. Following this idea strictly, music and other art forms would be thoughtless.

Experience always exceeds any verbal description of it. The words I type here are not only shaped by the verbalizing faculty of my brain, but at the same time i have to breath, keep myself upright and move my fingers over the keyboard. The quality of the last three 'thoughts' influences immediately the quality of the 'verbal output' or consciously verbalizing thinking.

Stopping to think from this perspective means death. Stopping the internal dialogue is how I understand the desire to 'stop to think', and from my experiences as not too persistent meditator I can easily empathize with this desire. As much as I can consciously release the tension in my neck, I can consciously release the tension created by holding onto thoughts I become aware of, but those skills need to be learned.

This might sound like pure semantics. This broad definition of thinking would require additional considerations about the level of awareness/consciousness involved in different thoughts, however, it still would make 'stopping to think' equal to sudden death. Inhibition might not be the best suited word to decribe how not to get caught in habitual loops of our verbalizing faculty, it works for me as long as I haven't found a better one.

Freaky friday

I managed to make my peace with fridays. I accepted the temporary increase in numbers, and Matt changed his ways of running the friday group. I hesitated a moment when he asked me with whom I wanted a turn, luckily I decided to do (have done?) table work with him.

Enjoying the new freedom in my hips, and more connectedness of limbs and torso, I sat down with a tea to browse a bit through anatomy trains. When Ana came in, I commented 'breakfast time', but she didn't seem to want to talk to me. When I saw her cutting a loaf of bread, I started watching her hands, trying to compare her movements with the memory of the day when she cut her hand.

Then chaos broke loose. 'Stop watching me like this!' I looked at her in surprise, maybe said something like 'What?' 'You always watch people, trying to get eye contact, it's annoying me! And I'm not the only one annoyed...' I noticed her emotional upheaval, as well as my confusion. I mentioned that observing is part of our job as AT teacher, tried to make her aware of the use of the universal quantifier 'always' in her statements, to little effect.

Recalling the situation makes me aware of how well inhibition worked for me in that situation. Her tone, body language, the message itself, the group conformity call especially, all of those used to trigger easily my 'verbal fighting mode'. Yet I stayed relatively calm, I just laughed every now and then, which probably didn't help. However, I had no interest to take the bait to dramatize the situation, which wasn't too easy.

'You always look at people, it annoys me, I feel like invaded, and others too.' Whoa, here we go. Universal quantifier, external locus of control (i'm responsible for her being annoyed) and group conformity enforcer. I asked her whether she expected me not to look at anyone, and she finished our mini drama by promising a better solution.

Unfortunately, Sharon, who witnessed the situation, did not want to comment on it. I'm sure my frustration about her reply shone through, but I had no intent to inhibit my reaction. I found it hard to refocus on the anatomy trains afterwards, but I didn't want to cling to this incident while in school.

I probably learned more than I asked for, and some of my observations were confirmed. Another random group of people thinks talking about an individual instead of talking to them could change their perceptions and improve their interactions. Duncan's idea of using all the time in school to do the work suddenly seems very radical, pretty much unheard of.

Resilience. Mindfulness. I can't tell whether my non-doing contributed much to this complex web of misunderstandings. On the positive side, I might have a chance to inspect my self defence habits, I can imagine triggers coming up.

Old habits

I still haven't found much opportunity to work constructively on one very old habit, speaking. Today started with quite an amazing turn with Jenny. I did not notice the slow, gradual increase of freedom in my movements. Although I can hardly remember the stiffness in my movement, I got very aware of my availability during Jenny's turn.

More freedom means as well more chances to 'help', or forgetting to remember to inhibit. I hardly noticed a difference in sensation when I changed my thinking, inhibiting my desire to help with the movement Jenny suggested with her hands. However, Jenny allowed me enough time to inhibit and renew my directions when undoing my shoulders, leaving me with a smile and new experiences.

I worked on my speaking habits again during the performance session. Although we were confined in the tea room, the atmosphere seemed to me more cooperative than on my first attempt. I really appreciated Kaz's approach as teacher. His question posed enough of a challenge not to shoot out an answer immediately, although I needed two attempts to answer it.

At first I lost my directions quite typically, and went a bit on a tangent. After some feedback and Kaz's friendly reminder that I didn't really answer, I stunned the group by a concise one-liner. Kaz wanted to know what I learned so far about my speaking habits, and I realised that I usually ignore my (body) awareness while speaking.

Kaz didn't stop here, although he can take pride in guiding me to an interesting revelation about my habit, and allowing me the positive experience of achieving my end by the right means. He noticed that I miss out on the chance to renew my inhibition with every full stop. Instead of telling me what I do wrong, he suggested in a friendly way a different approach, giving me the chance to choose whether to identify with his criticism or not.

Kaz's way of giving feedback certainly fits into the concept of 'indirect procedures'. He doesn't impose the interpretation of his observations to a student, he just offers them. A good example to follow and study.

Toying with tensegrity - part 2

Please start with first part, in case you missed it.


Even though photos cannot capture the dynamics of a tensegrity model, they simply help illustrating why I got hooked on tensegrity. I managed to find a shot of the very first tensegrity tower I build, using nylon string for all cords. You can see some slack triangles, but the structure proved rigid and balanced enough to hold a juggling ball.



The limited stretch of nylon produces very rigid structures, and tuning can be quite tedious. However, when the cords have good prefabricated length, these models can easily used in groups to explore its dynamics.

The tower itself looked quite different from the model shown with the instructions, the tensuls kept their shapes instead have being shaped by the different loads on the tension elements.

Without elastic cord my tower had interesting qualities, but not the aesthetic appeal and surprising dynamic I expected. I decided to construct a 4 strut tensegrity structure next, which started an amazing learning experience. I estimated the cord length by using figure from a Java applet, and prepared what I needed. I didn't have any visual instruction how to lay out and construct this model, so I just started off, triangulated around and attached cords.

I marked the dowels so I could distiguish them, and had a way to write out the needed connections. The 4 strut model has 4 triangles and two 'diagonals'. On my first attempt to attach the second diagonal, while the model popped into three dimensions, some cord slipped off and the model collapsed into a chaos of rods and strings.

It took me roughly a day to figure out decent length for the final tension cords, and how to lay out the struts to allow them to unfold. I didn't count the amount of times I assembled and disassembled the flurry of strings and dowels, and how often I repeated the same mistakes in the process. Perseverance paid out, and I had a new structure to explore. I won't take it apart too soon, though, I'm still not too confident about rebuilding it again.



I used 30 cm length (instead of 20cm) for the 4 strut model, and used the left over struts for easy task: A simple 3 strut tensul with the same cord length for the main triangles. I had some elastic cord now (still not the right thing), yet combined nylon and stretch cord for the model. The final model appear much taller than the elements of my first tower. I placed the model next to it, and noticed that by adding 50% length to the compression element I gained twice the height.



Finally I found the material suggested for these kind models: Plastic stretch cord used for beading. Well, currently I'm waiting for a delivery of enough supply for extended experimentation. I picked up a similar material in a craft shop, unfortunately with just 0.5 mm diameter. It works okay so far, although the stretch factor does not work as expected yet.

The material makes it difficult to tune the models, and fix the cords to their attachment points. I managed to get three levels together, but the stabilizing triangles permanently flattened the lowest level. I guess I'll take more time for tuning the single tensuls, and fixings the cords more to the attachment.

I fiddled for a while with more securing triangles, and ended up with some entangled cord on one strut. Instead of trying any more to stand the model up, I took two more cords and hung the model up.



Depending on the lighting, the transparent tension cords are virtually invisible, enhancing the floatiness of the model. It reminds me of the idea of being 'skyhooked'. Funny enough, you can move lower parts of the model around without affecting the 'head', but when the head moves, the body follows...



I still have a long way to go if want to skeletal structures as tensegrity models. I wouldn't mind coming across enough model to buy them. Experiencing tensegrity helped me a lot understanding the process I started with learning the Alexander Technique.

Tuning one part of a tensegrity structure affect the tension levels throughout the entire structure. When we release a habitual holding pattern, other tensors (muscles) have to become active. A tensegrity model balances by specific patterns of pretension, more overall tension yields more rigidity. Sounds familiar?

By doing less we retune the tension elements, or rather, develop new patterns of feedback with our muscle spindles. We need to change our habitual reaction to this muscle spindle feedback, inhibiting the impulse to 'hold on' and send our head forward instead. This sounds easy, but many obstacles lurk on that path.

Depending on how one has used him/herself the tensors responsible for balance have weakened. Using them can 'feel wrong', and can cause discomfort and pain. We might not be aware that changes affect more than one area, or underestimate the importance of primary control.

Seeing, building and touching the floating elements of a tensegrity structure changed my conception of my own bones from the semi-solid stack of columns to mere floating compression elements. And I hope it will help my future student's understanding.

Inhibition

I had my turn with Libby, easy going and informative like most of the time. Chair work has the certain advantage of a limited set of stimuli, which makes inhibition and direction a bit easier. The chapter for the reading dealt with inhibition as well, and Matt provided us with the opportunity to exercise inhibition. The talks and group work made the distinction between withholding consent and inhibition much clearer, one is non-doing and the other rather the act of doing something.

Jenny's group helped me understanding more how a teacher approaches teaching inhibition, and how important inhibition for the teacher is.

Overambitious

After lazing out for most of the holidays so far, I wanted to test out my unicycling progress with an ambitious target: Cycling to school and back. Luckily there was hardly any traffic on Victoria Street, and I could enjoy a long, uninterrupted straight stretch of road.

The freemounts in between worked out quite well, not really instantly, as I got into the bad habit of looking at the pedal when mounting. Only as long as I didn't inhibit this habit :) I was surprised that the terrain hardly caused me trouble, even the inclines and declines went smoothly. Passing others still made me nervous, and sometimes I unmounted to pass.

I tried one of the side roads that lead to St Georges Road, the steep incline made mounting really tricky. The little reserve has a lonely bench that invited me to a break. I didn't check the time required to get there, but certainly felt good about the easy ride.

I still don't know whether I found a good position on the seat, it felt sometimes like only the right sitbone connected to it. The ride tired me a lot, although the inclines felt easy. Just before getting back on the road, in sight of a Japanese family on the playground, I wiped out big time. I went to fast, and jumped off the uni. My tired legs didn't come up to the speed, so I chose to roll over my shoulder towards the lawn. Both knees and my left foot got scratched on the concrete, looks quite bloody.

A short break later, thinking about the fact that I need to strengthen my cardio-vascular system a bit, I continued the way home. I needed to take the pavement this time, and the little stone wall of the park wiped me out again, this time hitting my left calf in the process.

All in all, an interesting mix of end-gaining, inhibition, and some successful directing in between.

Directions

Each teacher has an ideosyncratic style, and obviously I consider some more efficient than others. The turn with Penny yielded some amazing results, she uses the entire body and her enjoyment of the work infected me easily. Feeling already easy made it difficult to achieve more results in the second turn with Julia, which was the first time we worked together at all.

Penny avoids the term inhibition as best as possible, instead she tries to convey new experiences, and her hands do an amazing job. The group work focussed again on the whisperped aaah, this time in standing and with exploring hands. I tried to use the palm first approach to connect to my fellow students, and certainly feel the need to make my hands more sensitive. However, I noticed significant differences between Kate, Ana, Rossi and Michael. I'm less drawn into bodies, and manage it better to stay in my body while observing with my hands.

The warm up for the performance consisted of singing again, and I didn't feel any apprehension in the choir setup we used. Performing myself offered some amazing revelation: Constant directing expanded my voice throughout the entire body. I thought that directing immediately before I start to sing would be sufficient, yet I need to renew the directions quite often during the performance. Although I had my difficulties doing so, the results stunned me and were quite obvious for the audience.

Shoulders

Turns with Jenny give me a lot of precise information. I still hold my ankles a lot, and found some new ways of releasing them. In the group session we played an inhibition game, pointing to the chair you want to sit, walk over and wait until the occupier choose the next target. It got really funny when we started adding extra rules. We ended the day with some hands-on exercises

The biggest surprise however came from Bo, who told me interesting stories just after school.

Heads

My attitude and Lailanis teaching approach didn't fit to well during our turn. I didn't feel addressed by her explanations, but felt a bit patronized, however, this gave me the chance to exercise inhibition.

The yoga turn brought no new revelations, yet I think I finally do the asanas a bit more in a desirable way. During our group work, with all first years, we took each other's heads on the table, a simple task with an amazingly high stimulus.

Weight shift

The morning started with a turn with John, exploring the different ways to release my shoulders. Yoga felt really good today, especially with a good forward stretch with feet on my back.

We experimented with weight shifting in the group with Jenny. Lifting the heels from the ground while sitting and standing provided plenty of information about holding pattern and gave good opportunity to exercise inhibition.

Inhibition

I had a turn with David again, doing the old sitting in a chair routine. I realise that the feeling of locked knees belongs in my habits to the idea of standing. Today's reading dealt with inhibition, and we extended the topic in the group sessions. Jenny tried her best to explain the difference between inhibition (in AT understanding) and withholding consent. I'd better reread the chapter for today to get my head a bit better around this.

I still struggle trying to do the right thing instead of more not-doing, end-gaining remains a temptation. I use the low ceiling in the basement to check my height every now and then, currently just my chin is lower than the ceiling on the last step.

Luckily I did my anatomy homework already yesterday, it took me more than an hour. My progress definitely depends on my efforts, which I might increase in a non endgaining way.