Challenges

Without David, and with one teacher less than planned for, the day started a bit disorganised. Libby got a bit upset, which luckily didn't affect the quality of her hands while giving me a turn. Using AT, she regained her calm, and prevented getting overwhelmed by the challenge to improvise the daily program.

During the presentation of Frank Pierce Jones research I had the opportunity to stay directed, although I wanted to react a lot to one students disruptive behaviour during the start of my part. I slowed down, refocused on my notes, yet had no idea about my use for the rest of my presentation.

However, when Martin asked me about my plans after graduation, I noticed how much this topic can discoordinate myself. Applying the technique to my tendency to get the blues has changed me, yet it's hard to call this an improvement. I noticed how much effort it takes to ignore depressive episodes, and how well established the neural pathways to pull me down are. From the perspective of 'befriending myself' this is valuable, yet not pleasant information. Developing a sense of self-worth in a life situation where I'm not 'worthy' enough to stay in the country of my liking, challenges me maybe above my capacity.

If anything, I learned that not putting hands on today made it tougher to stay directed. I recognise more triggers of my habits, yet I'm rather craving for more 'uptime' than material to analyse.

Tough call

I distracted myself from the more and more 'official' uncertainty of my future by working on contact juggling with Matt. Actually, I hardly touched the ball in the turn with him, but instead scrutinized the way I move my arms to play with the ball. As long as I don't get lazy and complacent, juggling and unicycling offer awesome opportunities to improve my use, and get more into the idea of the 'unified field of attention'.

I hardly managed to find someone to work with in the rest of the turn time, somehow I managed to start working with those students who just were about to have a turn with Kaz, first Sharon, then Briar. I noticed some familiar pattern of thought arising while idling, luckily Rossi asked me to help her a bit while she gave a table turn to Amanda.

Libby's writing and research session turned into a bit of Kindergarten. Tony and Ana stopped Libby nearly after each sentence, often just to ask about the exact things that she just said, or wanting to know pretty much unknowable things. The continuous interruptions stretched our sessions out a lot, so that there was no time for some practical work left.

Back home, I notice much I need more debriefing and exchange about our work - frustration and aggression rear their ugly heads again, and I can hardly concentrate on more constructive thoughts. I don't like the idea of organising another intercontinental move, and I have no inspiration where to go after my time in Australia, and how to organise setting up a practise in an entirely new environment. I was aware that making a living as AT teacher won't be a piece of cake, starting over somewhere else looks at the moment like an insurmountable task.

Yet all that desperation won't help to tackle this task, nevertheless I realise how familiar the Don Quixote role seems to me, triggering lots of habitual unproductive coping patterns. Striving for sanity in a mad world doesn't feel like getting into the flow of life, but rather like swimming against the stream. Especially as I don't have any reliable support here, or any positive outlet for all the (self) destructive thoughts whirling through my mind. Well, I gotta keep breathing.

An interesting week

After an exciting and exhausting week fridays offer less stimuli and a more intimate atmosphere. Libby did all the turns and the group work. She spend quite some time talking me through the directions. I'm working again to get rid of my sensory amnesia, which might make me forget my directions.

We didn't do any debriefing for Vivien Mackie's visit in the school yet, most likely because Vivien will stay a bit longer in school. Like always, the performance session turned out to be entertaining and enlightening, and I'm glad that I got up to perform.

Libby went with us through some essential body mapping, with the idea of a plumb line from the A-O joint though shoulder, hips, knees, ankles (or rather, symmetrically around this line). Feeling the curvature of the spine on each other offered a great opportunity to explore the uniqueness and differences of the human body.

It seemed like all of us enjoyed the task of talking each other through semi-supine. We had quite different approaches. Sharon and I focused on the 'wholeness' of semi-supine, renewing directions several times before lying down, and exploring movement (a bit like dart procedures). Ana, Carsten and Stephen focused more on imagery to help release of tension.

The stutterer

I managed to detect some of my student habits in my turn with Libby. I thought somehow the 'right way' of sitting down links to feeling out what's happening. Instead of 'checking the quality' of my movement I added a direction for my front, extending ease from the initiation of the movement until close to its end. I learned a lot of movement this way: Achieving my end by feeling the right conditions to start, and staying with a sequence of feelings that hone into the targeted movement.

Being wrong in social situations poses still a high stimulus to me, yet I enjoy it more and more. I paired up with Jane in Matt's hands-on group, well, it rather happened by the seating arrangement. I might have looked a bit unhappy, she re-assured me by stating not to repeat our last group work mishap, and we started with a friendly laugh. The session worked out really well, I found some more ways to stay out of my way while putting hands on, and pleasantly surprised by the precision of Jane's observation and verbal guidance when she put hands on.

After a coffee-free coffee break we had the book session, with me running Jenny's group with Ana, Alysha and Martin. I managed to use the mindmap I made to keep the summary quite concise. I could feel some sort of excitement every now and then, but looking around the group, and actively listening helped me to get through all key points and questions in a way that involved the entire group. I forgot an essential question though, whether there was anything left to add. It's an elegant way to indicate the nearing end of the session, and gives anyone not heard 'enough' the chance for a last word.

More tensegrity

School started again with 15 minutes quick-ease, walking into the hands of teachers and older students to get some up on the fly. I worked with Jenny on staying more present throughout my body, but I still can't easily let go of expectations.

The book discussion veered a bit off, without getting too excited. Each of us has an idiosyncratic understanding of Alexander owns writings, which seem to reflect a bit in which phase of the process we are.

I enjoyed the hands-on sessions a lot, although I still don't register too much with my hands. I stand less in my way, though, and my arms certainly move lots easier than during my first explorations. I noticed in Libby's group how much I got used to a specific relation of my hands, playing around with different ways gave me plenty of new insights.

At home, I stumbled across a new idea for a sculpture, a tensegrity icosahedron. It is symmetrical, and stackable (I will have to try this for myself....). I found different examples on the web, and experimented with different methods to assemble the structure. I started off with rubber bands in a variety of configurations, and lots of them got destroyed in the process. At some point it looked like I succeeded...



I managed to tune the model to give it more depth, and nearly collapsed it in the process. I fixed it, and thought about the right length for nylon cords. I had to take care not too overstretch any rubber, which happened just two or three times.



After experimenting with 40cm and 50cm loops, having models collapsing over and over, I prepared 45cm loops, got some unused rubber rings and started over again. Once all nylon cords were attached, I cut the rubber away, and, hooray!, I had a stable model in my hands!



I wanted to stand the model on only two legs, and used magnetic repulsion to keep it balanced. It can swing a few millimeters, blowing against the struts suffices to get it moving for just under a minute or so.

Additive Thinking

The morning began with a lazy drive to school, and a good turn with Libby. I get more sensitive for the extra work I'm doing, sometimes it feels like the muscles activate, sometimes just like they want to.

The reading yielded, like often, quite mixed responses. And the topic, I have to admit, seems quite advanced to me. I experimented a little bit at Golden Beach with additive thinking, and although I have an idea about it I still need much more practise. I asked Jenny whether its possible to experience the effect of additive thinking with the help of a teacher. Funny enough, after something that sounded like agreement she insisted finally to disagree.

The groups, with Jenny and then with David, did a lot of hands-on work. We played again with listening hands, and I noticed how much more sensitive my hands become, if I manage to inhibit the overuse of my shoulders while putting hands on. I still have to figure out what I do with my wrists, currently much more gets activated when I think about them.

Inhibition

I had my turn with Libby, easy going and informative like most of the time. Chair work has the certain advantage of a limited set of stimuli, which makes inhibition and direction a bit easier. The chapter for the reading dealt with inhibition as well, and Matt provided us with the opportunity to exercise inhibition. The talks and group work made the distinction between withholding consent and inhibition much clearer, one is non-doing and the other rather the act of doing something.

Jenny's group helped me understanding more how a teacher approaches teaching inhibition, and how important inhibition for the teacher is.

Speaking

I had the first turn with David after the break. My use has improved, although my habits during speaking still go strong. The waiting time passed pleasantly with a bit of hands-on with David, then in the groups with Bronwyn and Libby.

We put our hands on the lower side of the ribcage during chair work. I found it hard just to place my hands with opposing thumbs on, I have to improve the flexibility of my wrists a lot to confidently use my hands. And like so often, less turned to be more.

In Libby's group we played with moving a head around. I worked together with Anne, and enjoyed the experience.

David announced the alternative residential program, we will travel between a yoga school in Thornsbury and our school.

Systematic

This term offered many surprises, the lack of any predictable structure among them. This way I can excuse my own lazyness of keeping track of the work. I seem to be able to maintain more uptime outside school, something brings me down there. Strange.

The turn with Libby offered some more insight of the activation pattern for holding in the front, while I exercised restraint during Razia's C&C session.

I realised today that my former job offered similar challenges. Systems own a specific structure, which offers a certain functionality. The use of the system feeds back to its structure and functionality. As system administrator I analyzed networks in order to increase their efficiency and often functionality. I had to test any change before implementing it, a bit like chairwork. And like with the current work, I rather aimed for long-term solutions taking the use into account than looking for a quick fix.

Tailbone

I worked with Libby on distinguishing better between directing and doing directions. Both produce movement, yet of different qualities. The chair work helped a lot to identify some of tensions on my leg I acquired during my injury.

I played a lot with my cj ball before the group work started, and even played with taking Cal's arm while she laid on the table. The group work itself posed some challenge. We experimented with thinking about the tailbone movement during the breathing cycle, directing it forward with the in breath, and imaging the air rising through the front of the body with the out breath.

Dropping the tail bone slightly feels a bit like rounding the back, yet increases the movement of the back of the ribcage significantly. The thought of up through the front prevents collapsing, together an amazing tool (at the moment) to feel connected throughout the body. We extended the exploration of the tail bone into some table work, and I went through the challenge of taking Jenny's tailbone while she laid in semi-supine. It felt less awkward to work between her legs than I expected, staying directed and just synching into her breath cycle took most of my attention.

However, I resisted the temptation to feel what happened, and tried to cope with the amount of stimuli and thoughts presented to me by thinking about myself. I'd liked to have seen whether I still coordinated myself, Jenny's feedback (and release twitching) made me quite content with today's hands on experiments.

Student meeting

I walked over my heels in my turn with Libby, and I just needed to convince me that I can do so. I guess I can figure out heaps of avoidance pattern once I can use my left foot in normal ways.

We did a lot of hands on work in the group with David, and although it takes still some effort to stay in myself, I like it more and more. As long as I don't care whether I can 'listen' with my hands, I can use the stimulus of another body to maintain my directions.

The student meeting went quite okay, just in 'Alexander time'. However, Michael and I managed to put our criticism about Razia C&C sessions forward. I realise more and more how much I expected General Semantics as our communication module.

We had more hands-on with Jenny, and again I noticed the importance of my own use when using my hands. We played with taking an arm and a shoulder, and it helped a lot toi experience this on the table and doing yourself.

Communication

I had a turn with Libby, like yesterday, this time a table turn. I managed to direct myself away from my leg while Libby held it, an amazing sensation. I spend most time until the group work started with CJ.

The communication session consisted of some basic ideas about positive thinking, and I had to inhibit a great deal to stay happy. However, I will see whether I will gain something from the goal settting exercise.

Pregnancy

I had the first turn in this term with Libby, after playing around yesterday in the group work, and she helped me a lot in getting a sensation of width across shoulders. I knew for a longer time that I did some extra work with my shoulders, but I couldn't really pinpoint what. I thought about moving them back or forward, while in fact I narrowed them across my back. When I notice now the familiar uncomfortable twitching on the inside of my scapula, directing width of my shoulders offers the release (and probably the neutral position) I need.

Ferry took up most of the time of our group work where we tried to work on typing, a very common activity for me. However, the observations helped a bit in understanding some important aspects of it, yet I certainly use setups at home which foster bad use.

Instead of a second Julia gave a presentation about pregnancy, and how the technique can help women in this situation and during giving birth.

Hands on

The turn with Margaret really straightened me, and took away a lot of tiredness. I happily volunteered to be Anne's body for some chair and table work. She likes my precise feedback, and I like her hands that convey her good use quite easily to me.

The book session offered not too many new insights, another chapter of lengthy sentences, yet some interesting detailed description how ideas can manifest in use.

We did some playful exploration with our hands with Libby. We started off with sensitizing ours hands by blindly touching unknown objects, and continued to explore bodies, again, with eyes closed. I liked both parts of it, reading Kate's body and relaxing in her hands, without any Alexander seriousness in it. Finally Libby taught us the Vivien Mackay approach to use our hands: fingers long, palm wide and toned, molding them onto a body. Awesome experience.

Genuine interest

I had a turn with Libby, playing again with my CJ ball. Libby seemed to like the idea a bit more than John, and she reminded me of the way I use my arms. Giving myself indefinite amount of time for learning works so far well - I don't know where I will progress to, so I can appreciate even tiny advances.

The C&C session turn our very interesting, especially the interactive part with Bo. We talked about our perception of our fellow students, with interesting insights.

Reading

I had 10 minutes of chair work with David, and a full turn with Bronwyn, and felt quite up afterwards. Something still happens in my upper back, probably related to the shoulder girdle or even the neck. Stopping to do that gave me the up, yet I might play with the idea of connecting myself.

According to FM, we work on evolution, individual and for society as a whole. However, some of the statements cause irritation.

In Libbys group we investigated feet and ankles again, and it still did not get to boring.

Backside

I worked with Libby on my habit to push the hips forward, and discovered some interesting relation. Part of the pattern to arch the body forward from the hips is excess tension in the back of the legs. Now, reflecting on this, it seems utterly logical: The weight is pushed in front of the body, so the back needs to "hold on".

During the group work we investigated our feet and ankle joints. Movements of the foot are mostly controlled by muscles in the back of the legs, which show an amazing amount of activity. When studying drawings and the skeleton I realised my funny ideas about the ankle joint, during our experiments I become very aware of the different mobility of left and right ankle joints.

As part of group work we moved one of us back and forth and to the sides to notice the range of passive movement available to the ankle joint. Walking after this felt incredibly easy, slowly I manage to connect my body throughout.

Counselling and communication

The day started with a bit of a surprise - Libby helped me experiencing some significant lengthening in the thoracic area. The pull back of the shoulders might as well belong to a holding pattern around my hips, I gradually get more sensitivity to feel the weight travelling through my body, although I didn't get to the heels yet.

We had the first C&C session with Razia, a psycho therapist and Alexander teacher. She stressed the importance of a gentle approach to enable an interactive communication and lined out some simple ways to achieve this. As a teacher our listening skills have to exceed our talking skills, without sucessfull communication no rapport can happen.

The exercises made me aware of some of known communication flaws, like my impatience while listening. The feedback from Jane and Kaz offered new insights. Jane attested me good reinforcement skills, but noted also the difference between this exercise and my usual ways of talking. She can see different tensional patterns in my face when I'm listening and when I'm preparing to say something, while Kaz noted more nervousness when the questions became more personal.

Drawing

I had half a turn with David and a full turn with Bronwyn, both with interesting observations. David mentioned that my back gets more flexible, and I feel a holding pattern slowly shifting up my spine. Of course, this shift might as well indicate more sensibility in the area and probably a partly resolved pattern. Bronwyn reminded me to get back to the primary control, no matter where we locate problems. I suspect that the shoulder tension relates to some holding around the hip joints, so I have to continue to experiment without too much judgement.

We inspected breathing with hands-on during the groupwork. We had a visitor today, Kaya, who will come for two more days into the school.

More of the same

I like having turns with Libby, we seem to connect easily and the sessions mostly end with mutual smiles. However, I feel the need to find out more about my own progress, as I still think that I suffer from faulty sensory appreciation.

I definitely need to resist the temptation to play mind games, although I consider this a valid strategy. During the first group session Margaret had a look on my use while talking, yet I still find an attentional layer to do it myself during the activity.