Middle of a short week

My turn with Penny gave me an amazing amount of information. I felt a lot of pattern reverbarating through myself (or aspects of a single patterns in different stages), a release starting with the thumb, affecting the scapula, hips, legs and feet in tiny yet noticable ways. I still want to integrate my arms better, when Penny moved one around I could feel some parts 'wanting' to get involved. Following the movement with my eyes helped keeping them connected, albeit lots of inhibition was required to go through this unfamiliar sensations.

Feeling quite elated I offered Craig a table turn, and managed quite well to stay calm and with myself while talking him through the idea of spatial thinking. It's still not easy to 'stand aside' while using my hands, but intending his release as invitation liberated me from end-gaining, and I could curiously observe the changes that happened. Margaret joined this session after a while, and helped me with gentle touch to continue a nice session. Although I think I used myself quite okay, I felt a bit exhausted after a while, and stopped before I got into too much doing.

Jenny introduced us to some experiments she picked up on the conference, using different ideas for breathing, like 'abdominal breathing', breathing in the back, breathing to the sides, breathing from the feet up. The changes I noticed in myself and in my partner seemed very obvious, yet I noticed to my dismay how some ideas dramatically restricted the flow of breath. It seems like most ideas about 'proper breathing' just produce interference.

The next task for partner work addressed locked knees, using hands and words to get a student out of this. I got quite doey when working with Cal, and didn't notice too much happening. I realised that although we work in an 'indirect' way, asking the student for release in specific areas is sometimes very necessary. Nothing but my own intention to unlock my knees worked when I acted oblivious to Cal's verbal and tactile suggestions, an interesting experience.

I like the performance part more and more, instead of seeing it as an embarassing moment I rather try to embody the text than to just recapitulate it. Sarah's feedback helped a lot to set up an intention that allowed the text speaking through me, instead of me speaking it. I still have a lot of room for improvement, using more 'empty space' and staying lively, though it's getting more enjoyable than I thought possible.

Four directions

Although Jean Clark visits the school this week, the turn times in the morning make it seem like a 'regular' week in school. I had turn with Libby, which felt more like a debrief. I realised that I had some kind of idea what to work on when coming to school, I should take my time to inhibit more my preconceived ideas and have a go at simply tuning in.

I worked a bit with Sharon before the group started, going through a variation of hoboc (hands on the back of a chair). Jean wants to through Alexanders four directions, we started with 'freeing the neck'. Instead of moving the head on top of the top, we kept the head (with the help of a partner) still, and moved the body underneath. It doesn't sound too different, but it allowed for interesting observations.

Jean demonstrated hoboc with Cal, and I was surprised how slowly she took it. I like the idea of this radical slowdown, it's so much against the habit that it allows students to observe themselves in a new way.

More Back

This time I changed my plans myself - when Marigold arrived and had no one to work with, I moved from David to her for my turn. We worked on maintaining the back and using the arms in an integrated way.

I spend most waiting time working with others, first Anne, then Jen and Cal. I like putting my hands on the upper part of the chest. Most 'older' students and teachers move a lot in this area, and tuning into the rhythm of another humans breath satisfy my end-gaining for 'sensation'. I still forget my ordering, however, moving my arms connected gets easier.

We didn't put hands on in the last group, instead we explored crawling. Taking it slow, maintaining an activated back and keeping the weight mainly on the lower limbs allowed nice animal like movement.

Mobbed

Sometimes, wishes come true. I didn't have too many turns with Ann, so I felt quite lucky that I had a chance today. I managed to increase a bit the awareness for the whole body, noticing my body from head to feet without zoning out. The turn helped me to maintain my up a bit more, yet in a way it helped increasing my confusion as well.

I made it to the coffee shop first, sitting in the empty front room, when Robert and Cal decided to rather sit in the back, leaving me alone. This brought up some unpleasant memories from the past, and the problems I have in dealing with conformity enforcement.

The anatomy session with Ann deepened my understanding of neural processes, although the mechanics tell only a part of the story of what happens in living systems. Yet we don't deal with the interactive part yet, or rather just in terms of movement. This means I have to find a way to observe the differences in me when trying to direct myself alone or in varying social situations. I wonder whether The Global Brain or Celestine Prophecies holds more clues concerning group phenomena that I could apply to my current situation.

Final friday

I had a turn with David, and got a bit more aware of the subtle remainders of old pattern. During our group work we revisited some of Peter's ideas, with mixed enthusiasm. I spend nearly half, maybe even more of my waking hours without lenses, and get more and more used not to wear them at school. While Cal insists that we can't feel inside our brains, I notice the activation of a relatively distinct area inside my skull we I think about my thalamus, and directing my thalamus forward and up yields reliable results.

Luckily, we ended with some hands on after all the passiveness before. I get more confident in using directions and using the other body to get myself up. I took Bo's leg, but felt just little whether something happened with him. Probably our little conversation in the tea room before still stuck in my mind.

Tailbone

I worked with Libby on distinguishing better between directing and doing directions. Both produce movement, yet of different qualities. The chair work helped a lot to identify some of tensions on my leg I acquired during my injury.

I played a lot with my cj ball before the group work started, and even played with taking Cal's arm while she laid on the table. The group work itself posed some challenge. We experimented with thinking about the tailbone movement during the breathing cycle, directing it forward with the in breath, and imaging the air rising through the front of the body with the out breath.

Dropping the tail bone slightly feels a bit like rounding the back, yet increases the movement of the back of the ribcage significantly. The thought of up through the front prevents collapsing, together an amazing tool (at the moment) to feel connected throughout the body. We extended the exploration of the tail bone into some table work, and I went through the challenge of taking Jenny's tailbone while she laid in semi-supine. It felt less awkward to work between her legs than I expected, staying directed and just synching into her breath cycle took most of my attention.

However, I resisted the temptation to feel what happened, and tried to cope with the amount of stimuli and thoughts presented to me by thinking about myself. I'd liked to have seen whether I still coordinated myself, Jenny's feedback (and release twitching) made me quite content with today's hands on experiments.

Tired tire

I managed to come late to school because one of the tires I just bought yesterday went flat overnight. The turn with Julia did not wake me up, but left me quite elated after doing a bit of table work, chair work and monkeys. While I used the ease to sit down and read, David picked me for another turn.

During Jenny's groupwork we went on all four, trying to maintain our backs while moving around. I still hardly notice whether my limbs are underneath my joints, which offers a good choice for exploration.

We did some games after the tea break, and finished with hands-on partnerwork. I partnered up with Cal, and realised again the amount of stimulus another body provides. I managed to inhibit a lot while Jenny supervised us, it made me a bit more nervous when Ineke and Julia took over. I certainly need some intention when I put my hands on, otherwise I get drawn into the person, get into quantum zero state or simply wiggle my arms around too much.

Group work

My turn with Duncan turned out a bit confrontational. I felt like reducing the amount of stimuli by doing table work, yet he went down a different road. I went into the typical twist - wanting to answer his questions (probably with tensed neck and shoulders), while having to life with him stopping me from doing so.

I feel pretty much drained at the end of my first term, though I look forward to the residential, without knowing how this total immersion will work out. Although I like the idea of "quickening the mind" (in FM's words), I fail to see this happening to a larger extend with my fellow students.

I had some lengthy conversation with Bo, trying to tie AT principles into the chat about the use of digital cameras. The communicative aspect of the work appears much easier at the moment to me than observation and hands-on, although it challenges me a lot (especially to keep my directions while doing so).

Libby's group work really made my day. We played with resistance, assistance and neutral while doing chair work. Even though I didn't manage to sense the level of connectedness with Jane and Jen, the I distinguished the quality of movement in the different modes. Especially availability feels very distinct from resistance and assistance.

Working with Gen and Cal felt easy, probably as they direct themselves already very good. I realised that thinking directions helps connecting, yet moving people involves an activity. I need to find the fine line between directing while moving and pushing. I enjoyed the partner work with Cal a lot - she gives very precise feedback, and directs herself very good, which makes it easy for me to stay in my body while working with her.

Ann had her group of year 2 students preparing some group work, which we tried with everyone. I couldn't resist to play devil's advocate, yet I realised that not everyone takes criticism as feedback. Kaz, having his doubts about AT at the moment, provided the most fun way to do group work, using the snap gard came to demonstrate the principle of inhibition.

Undoing oneself doesn't come easy, and the perception of one's identity, or ego, stands mostly in the way. On a mental level, the ego prevents most people from changing their habits of thinking, and working on this opens a difficult battlefield.

Leading

I still work on understanding more of the emotional component of our work, yet not overly active. While working with Matt, I noticed a lot of release in areas far away from the point of contact, the idea of the possibility of communicating nervous systems makes the experience easier.

Matt stressed the importance of trust, and we played with directing each other through the room. Leaving the hand of the director felt a bit like unplugging, although the sense of the connection felt much more subtle. Jose could lead me easily and even tough i touched the gym ball I felt safe. I had difficulties leading Bo, he left my hand a lot and we could not very efficiently communicate.

Cal followed easily directions, even going backwards went like a charm. While I received directions, I could notice the space behind me, a thought that opens me up a lot. I just tried to stay aware of the space behind me while trying to unicycle, and it made a great difference. By ordering my activity I can focus my awareness to my intent, instead of letting the mind control the body. The mind keeps busy with the outside world, even more so as we cannot see to the back.

My temptation to go out to a larger space with the unicycle grows. Do I start to gain ends here? However, I get the idea that "ordering" means laying out an order of events, which then do their job in the background, as means to the intent of that activity.

Learning to unicycle provides plenty of opportunity for observing, inhibiting and directing. Currently I tend to internalise while ordering myself. The eyes, as part of the balance system, need awareness and focus, visual points of reference guide our bodies in motion. The less I think about the unicycle, the more I understand it.

Hands on

Having just six people on Fridays feels good, especially as half of us went swimming together yesterday. Matt came into the school for teaching, and I had my turn with him. We did the sitting on a chair routine. I realise that I lost "contact to the ground" with my legs. Bracing them prevents me feeling the upward direction from the ground.

The effect of releasing my hip joints in the water continued until today. I get more a sense of the additive character of directions, although the three primary keep me already occupied. Today even Rossi and I started putting our hands on.

I understand the importance of the teacher's coordination better now. When I had my hands on Cal's head, she could sense the release of my neck through my hands. My sensitivity certainly has to increase, which most likely happen as a side effect of maintaining coordination.

Foreign Students

Only foreign students come into the school on Fridays, and Robert, who misses some classes during the week because of work. After yesterdays busy day a small group of people worked together. I had my turn with Jenny with amazing results. The final spin gave me an elated feeling, which I could hardly keep in semi supine.

Rossi and I were willing bodies for the handwork of Cal, Bo, Jose and Robert, and we did a lot of monkeys. I started noticing more how the teachers and beginning teachers use their bodies. I tried applying monkeys to teeth brushing and dish washing, a valuable exercise as I need it heaps when working with others.

The work unveils layers of habits, blows them open and sometimes away. The total immersion yields noticeable progress, and this already after four days in a row. I remember the idea to soak in knowledge like a sponge. But body and mind soak in at the same time, and rigidity on either aspect of the self limit the potential.

Psycho-physical unity releases energies which still confuse me. I feel a continuity with the worryless careful attitude of the summer of 94. Weird.