Change in routine

David informed me via email that I had to go to the Body-Mind Centre instead of the school in Fitzroy, so I took the opportunity for an adrenaline-laden unicycle ride to the CBD. Although I walked most of the last part, Jenny noticed at the start of my turn that my legs were still pedalling. It seems like quite a habit to pull myself down in a lot of interactions, especially in talking. It's still difficult to remind myself of the directions before acting, and feels a bit odd. Nevertheless, I manage much better my habitual response to 'feeling wrong', and allowing myself to integrate certain levels of discomfort without actively ignoring them.

I noticed as well that my hands work more in a 'teaching' way, yet only while I take of myself to a decent degree. I got more patient with myself, and when no movement happens, I rather renew my directions and explicitly release arms and shoulders a bit more. I worked a lot with Stephen today. It was great to experiment a lot, both of us knowing to expect little and helping each other to stay present.

We discussed the chapter of CCCI in which FM describes the procedure to put hands on the back of the chair, perfectly suited to go through this as practical part of our group work. One of the pseudo-hinges along my spine became very discomforted during the process. I wonder whether I was trying too hard, or activated some underused part of muscles around and of the trapezius. It seems to be the part from which I pull my shoulders in place, and potentially bend the spine back (or even to one side) at the same time.

While during some earlier table turns 'non-local' effects (release happening far away from a teacher's hands) provided me with a rather distracting stimulus, I integrate more of the whole body into this kind of sensations now. While Sharon gave me a turn, I noticed a lot of up coming from my feet. Her hands prevented me from pulling down to 'feel out' what was happening, instead I stayed with the nice sensation in my legs and Sharons hands on my head. My limbs can still connect a bit better into this awareness. At least I know now much better what I'm doing with parts of my body, without 'sinking' into them at the same time.

I'd still call my whole-body-image quite hazy, yet it is definitely less fragmented and gets more familiar. I got now a better idea when I'm grounded. I'm sure some experiences on the unicycle had a 'skyhooked' quality. The next step will be to become more centered / aware of my center, connecting heaven and earth. Or so.

Taking it slow

I had a chance to jump the queue for our turns, and opted for a table turn with Jenny. I guess I'm tempted at the moment to try hard, so I used the opportunity to slow down and observe. Jenny helped me to release my shoulders quite thoroughly, and I noticed in better detail the connection of my arms into my torso, as well as some habits I acquired while lying on the table. My eyes were fixed a lot of the time, and I pushed my head a tad into the books. When I started observing Jenny, I managed to inhibit this tendencies, and rather started wondering about where she was looking while working with me.

By staying aware of the things I just found out, I learned as well about my tendency to fix my legs on the table. Once I allowed them to slightly balance, I could extend my observation a bit more to my whole body. Instead of wallowing in the release for a longer time on the table, I asked Jenny to lift me off the table, and was surprised about the ease in this movement.

I played a bit with my CJ ball, but then asked Briar, who was next to me in semi-supine, whether I could work with her. Table work on the floor is very challenging, but I was tempted to play with John Appleton's alligator imagery. I don't know whether asking student to imagine things works by distraction, it certainly helps for a more light-hearted approach. I hardly zoned out, and rather stayed with the idea of a good contact with my hands.

The book session got me a bit over-active, yet I managed to stay directed during most of my comments. However, I want to reduce my input a bit - I still get carried away sometimes, especially when we're talking about FM's sociological ideas.

The hands-on group with Jenny challenged me a lot, taking heads from the back of a chair. Having both thumbs directing through the skull and the fingers lightly under the jaw suits group sessions well, and seems less intrusive than one hand unders the jaw and one on the back of the head.

In the second group we explored the changes in tonus of the torso when thinking about different weight distribution in the feet. There's certainly the danger of internalizing while becoming aware of our feet, however, seeing an x-ray showing the relation between calcaneus, patella, tibia and fibula reminded me that our weight arrives in front of the heel and can spread over the entire foot.

The stutterer

I managed to detect some of my student habits in my turn with Libby. I thought somehow the 'right way' of sitting down links to feeling out what's happening. Instead of 'checking the quality' of my movement I added a direction for my front, extending ease from the initiation of the movement until close to its end. I learned a lot of movement this way: Achieving my end by feeling the right conditions to start, and staying with a sequence of feelings that hone into the targeted movement.

Being wrong in social situations poses still a high stimulus to me, yet I enjoy it more and more. I paired up with Jane in Matt's hands-on group, well, it rather happened by the seating arrangement. I might have looked a bit unhappy, she re-assured me by stating not to repeat our last group work mishap, and we started with a friendly laugh. The session worked out really well, I found some more ways to stay out of my way while putting hands on, and pleasantly surprised by the precision of Jane's observation and verbal guidance when she put hands on.

After a coffee-free coffee break we had the book session, with me running Jenny's group with Ana, Alysha and Martin. I managed to use the mindmap I made to keep the summary quite concise. I could feel some sort of excitement every now and then, but looking around the group, and actively listening helped me to get through all key points and questions in a way that involved the entire group. I forgot an essential question though, whether there was anything left to add. It's an elegant way to indicate the nearing end of the session, and gives anyone not heard 'enough' the chance for a last word.

Primary control

My turn with Jenny worked well, also there is only a slight difference in my perception of directing with primary control and without. I don't know whether I managed to maintain my idea of non-violent communication, I certainly want to improve my listening skills.

While waiting for the book group, Sharon helped me with contact juggling, with amazing results. Moving my left arm freely seemed virtually impossible, having it moved by Sharon felt incredibly 'wrong'. Wriggling along the wall helped losening my shoulder blades, but allowing my arm more movement feels still quite alien.

The second chapter of 'Use of the Self' picked up on faulty sensory appreciation, the process of improving use by replacing harmful habit by primary control, and of course psycho-physical unity.

In the second group I had another misunderstanding with Jenny. I wanted to tell Jim that I was planning to listen with my hands, and not actively directing. I started off with explaining that I'm not going to try to direct him into the chair, when Jenny stopped me cold, assuming limiting thinking on my side. I had a good chance to observe my emotional reaction, but my verbal reaction made Jenny move on quite immediately. I surely want to improve our verbal communication efficiency and mutual understanding, yet I still wonder whether it's appropriate to take the first step.

Additive Thinking

The morning began with a lazy drive to school, and a good turn with Libby. I get more sensitive for the extra work I'm doing, sometimes it feels like the muscles activate, sometimes just like they want to.

The reading yielded, like often, quite mixed responses. And the topic, I have to admit, seems quite advanced to me. I experimented a little bit at Golden Beach with additive thinking, and although I have an idea about it I still need much more practise. I asked Jenny whether its possible to experience the effect of additive thinking with the help of a teacher. Funny enough, after something that sounded like agreement she insisted finally to disagree.

The groups, with Jenny and then with David, did a lot of hands-on work. We played again with listening hands, and I noticed how much more sensitive my hands become, if I manage to inhibit the overuse of my shoulders while putting hands on. I still have to figure out what I do with my wrists, currently much more gets activated when I think about them.

The stutterer

I had half a turn with David and a full one with Bronwyn, both quite informative. I got into a little conversation about using / not using language manifesting the body-mind diassociation. I did a bit of hands-on work with Christine, our visiting teacher for a week, and again noticed how important persistence and repetition are.

We discussed the chapter about the stutterer in our reading session, highlighting the ideas of faulty sensory perception, indirect procedure as well as specific directions.

Jaw dropping

I continued my vision experiments today, I feel less intimidated by seeing less now than when I started. I had a turn with Jane, who worked Nili-style, which gave me good information. David's hands felt much more subtle, nevertheless with lots of direction.

We had a premature book session, so I had to master the challenge of doing my reading as well as proof reading Rossi's homework with pinhole glasses. We did the reading session in the large group, recapitulating the way Alexander discovered his method of re-learning.

We did bits of hands-on work in the group with Margaret, and I seem to have different habits with and without lenses - or rather, I fell back into my habit of falling into my students.

the Conscious control

I had the first real turn with Margaret, and enjoyed her calm way of informing my body. The group with her was about crawling, which turned much more difficult than it sounded initially.

Matt conducted the book session in a school like setting, yet after a while the atmosphere felt quite nice. However, something seems happening, and I wonder whether I will find out.