Taking it slow

I had a chance to jump the queue for our turns, and opted for a table turn with Jenny. I guess I'm tempted at the moment to try hard, so I used the opportunity to slow down and observe. Jenny helped me to release my shoulders quite thoroughly, and I noticed in better detail the connection of my arms into my torso, as well as some habits I acquired while lying on the table. My eyes were fixed a lot of the time, and I pushed my head a tad into the books. When I started observing Jenny, I managed to inhibit this tendencies, and rather started wondering about where she was looking while working with me.

By staying aware of the things I just found out, I learned as well about my tendency to fix my legs on the table. Once I allowed them to slightly balance, I could extend my observation a bit more to my whole body. Instead of wallowing in the release for a longer time on the table, I asked Jenny to lift me off the table, and was surprised about the ease in this movement.

I played a bit with my CJ ball, but then asked Briar, who was next to me in semi-supine, whether I could work with her. Table work on the floor is very challenging, but I was tempted to play with John Appleton's alligator imagery. I don't know whether asking student to imagine things works by distraction, it certainly helps for a more light-hearted approach. I hardly zoned out, and rather stayed with the idea of a good contact with my hands.

The book session got me a bit over-active, yet I managed to stay directed during most of my comments. However, I want to reduce my input a bit - I still get carried away sometimes, especially when we're talking about FM's sociological ideas.

The hands-on group with Jenny challenged me a lot, taking heads from the back of a chair. Having both thumbs directing through the skull and the fingers lightly under the jaw suits group sessions well, and seems less intrusive than one hand unders the jaw and one on the back of the head.

In the second group we explored the changes in tonus of the torso when thinking about different weight distribution in the feet. There's certainly the danger of internalizing while becoming aware of our feet, however, seeing an x-ray showing the relation between calcaneus, patella, tibia and fibula reminded me that our weight arrives in front of the heel and can spread over the entire foot.

That's it, that's it!

For the next two weeks Nili Bassan visits our school, but I had a good chance to apply the technique even before then. Last night my world map fell off the wall, taking down no less than five tensegrity sculptures with it. Naturally, or so it seems, my latest project, a 30-strut sphere, unfolded again.

So I exercised patience, delayed my desire for a quick fix, and went to school. The turn with Jenny eased me a lot, and her idea to feel amused rather than irrated by the asymmetrical way of using my body helped with this a lot.

The hands-on group with Jenny offered more interesting experiences. I worked with Alysha, and surprised myself by a mixture of old doing habits and some surprisingly effective directing.

In Nili's group I partnered up with Jane Azul, continuing basically where we left off with Jenny. I got quite nervous when Nili came to work with us, however, I picked up some valuable information of some of the 'extra' I put in when putting hands on.

Moderated

Another week of change of routine, the AUSTAT moderator visits our school. I had a turn with Penelope Carr, in the privacy of the back room, and it felt a bit like the first private lessons I had. I liked her gentle and kind approach, and the idea of just "one percent more". I could inhibit some of my habits while putting hands on her, and got a better idea about how long I should keep them on. The end-gainer in me probably wanted to see a result from my activity, it's so easy to forget that caring about my own use comes first.

In the group we shared some experiences of our own process, and I picked up - surprisingly - some habits of others in the group that fell under the radar so far. It seems like my blurry vision provides sufficient input (at least on short distance) about movement, so there's one thing less to worry about.

The yoga session worked out nicely, it's getting easier to stay aware of my movements, instead of going from position A to B.

OCD

I had a turn with David, after some interesting observations in semi-supine. I still tend to react a lot on enviromental stimuli, but it's getting easier get my focus back. I developed the habit of placing my feet in a position that tends to curve the lower back, when placed closer to the bum I can release much easier into the ground.

I wonder whether I managed to maintain my directions during the turn with David. Talking poses currently a big challenge to me, and I want to get back to work on this more. Kaz reminded me of this in the mini-group we did. I think it wasn't too bad during our book discussion, no sinking feeling this time, and hopefully some audible full stops.

I'm glad we're doing more hands-on, and my fingers seem to get more sensitive. I still want to learn to use the whole hands more, palms, fingers and intention working together. Too many memories and thoughts stray around when I put hands on, looks like I could do with less thought and clearer intention.

I worked for 10 minutes with Alisha in the second turn time. I get a better idea about the diversity of bodies and body pattern, but it's still hard to have an inspiration where to start to work. So I got back to a lot of talking, acutely aware how much I challenged Alisha with working and talking. The way talking is integrated in teaching came up when I was working with Andrea. I explained my experimental plan to her. She didn't understand me, and responded quite disencouraging. I realised that this happened to me some times before during lessons, I certainly have to take of how I verbally interact with students.

Jenny suggested in the final group thinking the brain forward from the skull, with some amazing results. How do I 'think' the brain away from the skull? It seems like (conscious) thoughts are either predominantly conceptual or predominantly visual, but our work seems to create a new class of perceptual engram. Or maybe, just brings us back to the state of playful exploration of physicality before speaking.

Cozy friday

Only four students came in this friday, making this friday a relaxed and productive day at school. Matt did some chairwork with me, before we played around with moving within a monkey. Now, as I begin to understand what the monkey is about, I don't like thinking about monkey anymore (although I haven't found a new word for attitude connected to a monkey).

The second group dealt with table work, providing the pleasant mix of collecting experience of hands-on work with getting plenty of work done on oneself. I still notice the impulse of 'zoning out', but with Matt's help I managed to maintain my directions much better. I become more aware about different 'classes' of stimuli - the stimulus (and connected habits) of the teacher-student situation, of doing a specific procedure (getting into a monkey, sending the hands away from the back), of having a living human being in front of me, of dealing with the emotions arising with different persons.

Trusting the process becomes more and more important for me, yet it feels like the speed of change has increased this term.

More tensegrity

School started again with 15 minutes quick-ease, walking into the hands of teachers and older students to get some up on the fly. I worked with Jenny on staying more present throughout my body, but I still can't easily let go of expectations.

The book discussion veered a bit off, without getting too excited. Each of us has an idiosyncratic understanding of Alexander owns writings, which seem to reflect a bit in which phase of the process we are.

I enjoyed the hands-on sessions a lot, although I still don't register too much with my hands. I stand less in my way, though, and my arms certainly move lots easier than during my first explorations. I noticed in Libby's group how much I got used to a specific relation of my hands, playing around with different ways gave me plenty of new insights.

At home, I stumbled across a new idea for a sculpture, a tensegrity icosahedron. It is symmetrical, and stackable (I will have to try this for myself....). I found different examples on the web, and experimented with different methods to assemble the structure. I started off with rubber bands in a variety of configurations, and lots of them got destroyed in the process. At some point it looked like I succeeded...



I managed to tune the model to give it more depth, and nearly collapsed it in the process. I fixed it, and thought about the right length for nylon cords. I had to take care not too overstretch any rubber, which happened just two or three times.



After experimenting with 40cm and 50cm loops, having models collapsing over and over, I prepared 45cm loops, got some unused rubber rings and started over again. Once all nylon cords were attached, I cut the rubber away, and, hooray!, I had a stable model in my hands!



I wanted to stand the model on only two legs, and used magnetic repulsion to keep it balanced. It can swing a few millimeters, blowing against the struts suffices to get it moving for just under a minute or so.

The end of the week

Only me had a turn with David, and he brought me up after thinking too much about yesterday's conflict. Stephen had an attempt to talk about this beforehand, and managed to turn this talk into something more productive after school.

Then David asked me for a talk, and unsurprisingly mentioned the lack of inhibition during the performance session. I hope I will notice this unproductive behaviour pattern earlier next time, David suggested that I could simply leave when I don't manage to inhibit.

I stayed pretty calm during the group work, where Matt experimented with two and three dimensional thinking. After a short warm-up, we revisited taking an arm during table work, while engaging spatial thinking. Of course, doing this for the first time didn't yield spectacular results, yet I realised how 'flat' I conceptualised the skin contact. The tendency to overuse my shoulder diminished a bit, and I manage better to stay present and more in my body.

Additive Thinking

The morning began with a lazy drive to school, and a good turn with Libby. I get more sensitive for the extra work I'm doing, sometimes it feels like the muscles activate, sometimes just like they want to.

The reading yielded, like often, quite mixed responses. And the topic, I have to admit, seems quite advanced to me. I experimented a little bit at Golden Beach with additive thinking, and although I have an idea about it I still need much more practise. I asked Jenny whether its possible to experience the effect of additive thinking with the help of a teacher. Funny enough, after something that sounded like agreement she insisted finally to disagree.

The groups, with Jenny and then with David, did a lot of hands-on work. We played again with listening hands, and I noticed how much more sensitive my hands become, if I manage to inhibit the overuse of my shoulders while putting hands on. I still have to figure out what I do with my wrists, currently much more gets activated when I think about them.

After the intensive

The spirit of the improvised intensive didn't prevail until today. It took me some time to get into my body in my turn with Jane, still sweaty from the ride to school. We had a short debrief about the residential, with some very mixed feedback. The circumstances certainly tainted a bit the experience, but the fires left only short time to reorganise.

The group work unveiled my impatience. I got a bit upset with Stephen for my perceived lack of cooperation. It seems that my frustration threshold is pretty low at the moment, and I need to observe my reactions to emotional shifts a bit better. The topic shifted from hands-on to monkey, you can never enough monkey around.

I worked with Rossi in Lailani's group. Lailani's feedback made the hands-on session really valuable, doing less becomes easier. Or does the ease come with doing less? Anyway, using my hands seems the best way to stay directed, and motivated.

Speaking

I had the first turn with David after the break. My use has improved, although my habits during speaking still go strong. The waiting time passed pleasantly with a bit of hands-on with David, then in the groups with Bronwyn and Libby.

We put our hands on the lower side of the ribcage during chair work. I found it hard just to place my hands with opposing thumbs on, I have to improve the flexibility of my wrists a lot to confidently use my hands. And like so often, less turned to be more.

In Libby's group we played with moving a head around. I worked together with Anne, and enjoyed the experience.

David announced the alternative residential program, we will travel between a yoga school in Thornsbury and our school.

Bad news

The day started with the pleasant surprise of another turn with Vivien. Her subtle hands moved around my shoulders to encourage more release, yet I still need to increase my sensitivity in this area. I know that my sensory feedback is unreliable, yet I have some trouble to let unknown feeling states happen.

Discussing the reading in the big group didn't allow to in-depth insights, yet worked out very peaceful, unlike the group work with Matt. He claimed that inhibition weakens the habitual pattern, thereby focusing on the 'wrong-doing', while I argued that it rather creates and strengthens the inhibition circuits.

I got tense and frustrated when he ignored/refuted my comment with "That's just semantic". I get the impression that many people in school don't want to deal with the thinking/language aspect of the work, unaware of their communication/interaction habits.

The group with Jenny worked out much better, taking heads and shoulders on the table. I can easier sync with Jenny's instruction, they seem better timed and very concise. My use while putting hands on improved a lot, although I still don't notice too much with my hands. Doing less will certainly help.

The bush fires around Melbourne interfere with our plans for the residential, which means it loses much of its attraction. I hardly can handle setbacks outside school at the moment, this change of plans affects me more than I want to.

Anatomy,

I discovered the connection between my shoulders and my knees during the turn with Ria. My attention slowly encompasses more and more of my body, yet I still need a lot of verbalized directions.

I did a bit of CJ, and happily joined a group during turn time working with David. I changed the way I put hands on, my arms move more freely and I tend less to fall into the body I'm touching.

Anatomy brought some surprising insights into group dynamics. We needed some time to agree what the task consisted of, yet got something together in the end. Rossi noticed my old pattern, although weaker than last year.

We described primary control, monkey and hands on the back of a chair in anatomical terms, revisiting our presentation the next week.

More hands-on

I arrived less exhausted today, and cooled down in semi-supine before I had a great turn with Jenny. Her idea of perceiving the activity of thinking a free neck as gateway to sense the entire body makes more and more sense to me. This indirect procedure accomplished more freedom, without thinking about ankles, knees and hips these joints moved easily.

I played a bit with Anne on the table, taking her head, arms and legs. I get aware that the situation affects my use still a lot, although I get better in using another body as stimulus to direct myself.

The group with Vivien favored Steven a lot, although we could learn heaps by observation. We did some more hands-on with Jenny, after she asked us to inhibit the most typical hick-ups in putting on hands.

Back to school

Things change at the school: Four new students started this term, Robert came in as teacher, the school has a new website. I had a friendly chat with Alysha and Bell, before having a very productive turn with Lailani. I notice my tendency to poke my head forward more and more, and the little collapse in the front that goes with it. She suggested to think about keeping the distance between cheekbones and hip, which worked well for me (as long as I remembered thinking it).

The new student got their hello in the first meeting, and we got a quick intro to the new website, before we finally got into groups and did some hands-on work. With Marigold we played around with listening hands, and I noticed again the importance of taking care of myself. Lailani tried to go through some of Vivien's ideas, unfortunately just little time was left.

I hope for a bit cooler weather, I was sweating like a pig when I arrived at school after unicycling there. Well, I'll do it again tomorrow (unless its raining in the morning).

The stutterer

I had half a turn with David and a full one with Bronwyn, both quite informative. I got into a little conversation about using / not using language manifesting the body-mind diassociation. I did a bit of hands-on work with Christine, our visiting teacher for a week, and again noticed how important persistence and repetition are.

We discussed the chapter about the stutterer in our reading session, highlighting the ideas of faulty sensory perception, indirect procedure as well as specific directions.

More feet

I had another turn with Margaret, learning more about feet and my habits in standing. I want to get back to give my directions in Peter's wording, something soon to come. We did bits of hands-on work, taking Robert's head.

We finished with some Yoga, and the first stretch undid parts of my hip holding pattern, at least that was my impression we I noticed unstoppable trembling in this area.

Friday

The turn with Matt gave me some more insights about what I do with my legs, and how I maintain my balance. However, I still felt quite wrecked after the turn, and fought hard to keep awake.

Like often on fridays, we did a lot of hands-on work. We did another round of guessing blind-folded whose hands resp. bodies we got in contact with, as well as some chair-work. I really liked this opportunity to sensitize my hands, and especially Ana's hands surprised me a lot.

Jaw dropping

I continued my vision experiments today, I feel less intimidated by seeing less now than when I started. I had a turn with Jane, who worked Nili-style, which gave me good information. David's hands felt much more subtle, nevertheless with lots of direction.

We had a premature book session, so I had to master the challenge of doing my reading as well as proof reading Rossi's homework with pinhole glasses. We did the reading session in the large group, recapitulating the way Alexander discovered his method of re-learning.

We did bits of hands-on work in the group with Margaret, and I seem to have different habits with and without lenses - or rather, I fell back into my habit of falling into my students.

Final friday

I had a turn with David, and got a bit more aware of the subtle remainders of old pattern. During our group work we revisited some of Peter's ideas, with mixed enthusiasm. I spend nearly half, maybe even more of my waking hours without lenses, and get more and more used not to wear them at school. While Cal insists that we can't feel inside our brains, I notice the activation of a relatively distinct area inside my skull we I think about my thalamus, and directing my thalamus forward and up yields reliable results.

Luckily, we ended with some hands on after all the passiveness before. I get more confident in using directions and using the other body to get myself up. I took Bo's leg, but felt just little whether something happened with him. Probably our little conversation in the tea room before still stuck in my mind.

Tongue

David used his waiting time to give me and Michael some chance for hands-on exercises, before I started exploring the difference in perception of movement when I 'did' my directions in contrast to just think them. I wonder whether it helps the process to communicate the increase in precision of proprioception exactly, something to ask a teacher.

We made loud noises again, after exploring the relation between breathing and the movement of the tailbone. Our body moves a lot in any given moment, which makes integrating the relevant information into a connected image a challenging task.

I started the performance session off, and felt significantly less nervous when doing so. I went smoothly through the first half, and then became self-conscious again, or rather lost my intention a bit. Penny reminded me of the bad habit to do more than needed with my tongue. Allowing it to stay in the front of my mouth stopped me from swallowing tunes at the end of a phrase, and certainly increased my fun while doing it.