Strong stimuli

During my turn with Margaret I discovered an interesting detail of my faulty sensory appreciation. I was convinced that I moved my shoulders back in certain situations, while I was in fact arching backwards from the thoracic spine. I felt an inner fight starting when I inhibited this movement, and humbled by the discovery of this blind spot in my body map.

I did a bit of chair work with Amanda, looking for more sensitivity in my hands. I get a better idea which parts are moving and which are held, although still fuzzy. It's hard to distinguish who is doing the holding, just being present still happens only for some short moments.

The discussion of this weeks reading with Vivien turned into pure pleasure. Although FM's writings are far from easy, she embodied an amazingly subtle understanding of his words, and guided us through some important aspects of the text.

Vivien then went with the large groups through spirals and hands on the back of the chair, another pleasure to observe.

Back home, another stimulus was waiting for me - preparing the kit for a skype interview. Just after I send Robert Rickover an email to negotiate a time for it, the disk of my laptop stalled (and hasn't been accessible since). I had already tested the bluetooth headset, and even with 64k the sound quality was okay.

A lot of anger about faulty technology surfaced temporarily, yet I inhibited going on a ride with them, and started thinking about alternatives. I can go online with my MiniMac and even with my phone, there must be another way...

I decided to upgrade Skype first, and then connect the head set. But even five tries to connect to skype failed - wrong network settings. I found a symbian version of skype and gave that a go. However, although I have a keyboard on the phone, I couldn't access the underscore character (_), so I had no chance of typing in my user name...

There's luckily the option to sign up for an account in the skype client, so I simply created a new account and, voila, I connected without problem. I checked all the gear with a call to the 'echo' facility, the sound isn't too good unfortunately. Anyway, that's at least one working solution, although probably not really suitable for recording.

I guess it takes some computing power to digitize voice, wrap it into nice packets, send it over the network, all the while receiving data and decoding it. I remembered using the old version of skype, so I downgraded and indeed, I could log on again. I don't remember what I used as microphone, so I went ahead and connected the head set.

Optimistically, I made a test call, and was shocked to hear the external speakers. I checked the settings, and chose the headset for in- and output. I spoke after the beep, but on the replay I just heard the lovely voice explaining the test. Bummer. My MiniMac hasn't got built-in bluetooth... which provides me with another option: getting a new blue-tooth dongle. Although I can see the device and receive data, it simply ignores all input, maybe, after all, my bluetooth keyboard isn't broken.

So instead of spending maybe 15 minutes to get skype up and running in good quality, I spend about three hours fiddling around with suboptimal solutions. Even though I got a fallback solution, I notice how much the stimulus 'fixing a computer problem' reactivates the habits I cultivated as IT specialist. What a prize to pay for the bit of flow when finding solutions provided a pleasurable challenge.

Right now, while I can't even reset the headset to be used with the phone, I can observe a lot of useless mental chatters from similar situations in the past. At least, I added some more time (and money) to remove potential blue tooth errors - and had another nice unicycle trip instead of cursing technology.

On the other hand, I notice how much I got back into the habit of surfing while watching telly. Maybe it's good to separate these time killers again, especially as there's lots of 'habitual' programming with most TV content. Another aspect of not using the laptop is the climate - the study heats up a lot. Back to basics, back to books.

Back to school

The unicycling training paid out, I arrived quite relaxed at school. I enjoyed Margarets hands during my first turn, being happily wrong again yet more precise in my directions. I had about 10 minutes semi-supine before, just enough to get settled back into school again.

I'm going to experiment with Philip Pawley's idea for semi-supine quickies: Just a few minutes, yet with some extra awareness of the whole process and directing from getting down to the floor until standing again. I wanted to get my hands on again, so I skipped this good resolve today.

While working with Carina I noticed some of my bad habits flashing in front of my inner eye in moments of inhibition. Although my arms feel much better connected than ever, I still can easily forget my hands (not really a useful thing while putting hands-on).

I could pick up some of her movement habits, and helped her releasing some extra tension. Jack volunteered for the next session, and I got more confident with my hands. However, I need to order a bit more what I'm doing when putting hands on, I tend to forget about my left arm.

That's the good thing about the group classes. Jenny has an amazing way to work with us while putting hands on, very precisely pointing out the extra bits we don't need. And of course, directing us the same time.

Middle of a short week

My turn with Penny gave me an amazing amount of information. I felt a lot of pattern reverbarating through myself (or aspects of a single patterns in different stages), a release starting with the thumb, affecting the scapula, hips, legs and feet in tiny yet noticable ways. I still want to integrate my arms better, when Penny moved one around I could feel some parts 'wanting' to get involved. Following the movement with my eyes helped keeping them connected, albeit lots of inhibition was required to go through this unfamiliar sensations.

Feeling quite elated I offered Craig a table turn, and managed quite well to stay calm and with myself while talking him through the idea of spatial thinking. It's still not easy to 'stand aside' while using my hands, but intending his release as invitation liberated me from end-gaining, and I could curiously observe the changes that happened. Margaret joined this session after a while, and helped me with gentle touch to continue a nice session. Although I think I used myself quite okay, I felt a bit exhausted after a while, and stopped before I got into too much doing.

Jenny introduced us to some experiments she picked up on the conference, using different ideas for breathing, like 'abdominal breathing', breathing in the back, breathing to the sides, breathing from the feet up. The changes I noticed in myself and in my partner seemed very obvious, yet I noticed to my dismay how some ideas dramatically restricted the flow of breath. It seems like most ideas about 'proper breathing' just produce interference.

The next task for partner work addressed locked knees, using hands and words to get a student out of this. I got quite doey when working with Cal, and didn't notice too much happening. I realised that although we work in an 'indirect' way, asking the student for release in specific areas is sometimes very necessary. Nothing but my own intention to unlock my knees worked when I acted oblivious to Cal's verbal and tactile suggestions, an interesting experience.

I like the performance part more and more, instead of seeing it as an embarassing moment I rather try to embody the text than to just recapitulate it. Sarah's feedback helped a lot to set up an intention that allowed the text speaking through me, instead of me speaking it. I still have a lot of room for improvement, using more 'empty space' and staying lively, though it's getting more enjoyable than I thought possible.

Yoga

I started the week with a table turn with Margaret. I wonder whether the weekend or the trip to school in the car tensed me that much, it took me while to get grounded. I still react strongly on the weather.

In Jenny's group we continued with the idea to change the thinking while putting hands on. I guess the efficiency depends a lot on the stage a pupil is in, I still want to train my hands much more.

We debriefed Cathy's visit in the large group, looks like she left some confusion behind. Some complaint about the format, 3 days with 4 hours sessions, and therefor a limited amount of work that she spend working on individual people. I still cherish the memory of her presence in school, the way she used herself to demonstrate visibly what she explained set a real good example, .

Her art to point out 'tensional ideas' without making the student feeling bad about his 'wrong' idea needs a lot of practise. Especially when students notice these kind of thinking in teachers, which made her example of making and pointing out her own mistakes so valuable.

The yoga session tired me a bit, dog and warrior pose en masse. It seems to slowly get back in touch with my spine.

More feet

I had another turn with Margaret, learning more about feet and my habits in standing. I want to get back to give my directions in Peter's wording, something soon to come. We did bits of hands-on work, taking Robert's head.

We finished with some Yoga, and the first stretch undid parts of my hip holding pattern, at least that was my impression we I noticed unstoppable trembling in this area.

Another bllnd day

I had another turn with David today, and I get the impression that I stay directed during chair work, at least to a certain degree. Inhibition works better, when you notice what you do additionally.

I played a bit hands-on with Rossi, with Margaret helping. The rest of the day went passed with counselling and communication, when I got reminded of two bits of homework I still have to deliver. Hmpf.

Jaw dropping

I continued my vision experiments today, I feel less intimidated by seeing less now than when I started. I had a turn with Jane, who worked Nili-style, which gave me good information. David's hands felt much more subtle, nevertheless with lots of direction.

We had a premature book session, so I had to master the challenge of doing my reading as well as proof reading Rossi's homework with pinhole glasses. We did the reading session in the large group, recapitulating the way Alexander discovered his method of re-learning.

We did bits of hands-on work in the group with Margaret, and I seem to have different habits with and without lenses - or rather, I fell back into my habit of falling into my students.

Ease

I did chair work with Margaret, I kind of got my limbs tight in my joint over the weekend again. Margaret gave me a good up, and I managed to get in and out the chair with ease. Andrea worked a bit in the saddle after that, a real interesting experience.

In David's group we observed walking, and was interesting to see my fellow first years doing this again after some months. After the short group we went through the student feedback.

We did more hands-on in Jenny's group, exploring ways to move an arm by directing. It seems to get easier to stay in myself while putting hands on, the additional sensitivity training pays out.

I bruised my foot yesterday by ambitiously jumping off a 2 metre fence, so I didn't put too much weight on the aching foot. During the table turn with Matt I felt nearly no pain, releasing the muscles around the affected area counteracted some habitual responses.

The reading session brought no real new information, and afterwards I had the pleasure of being the subject of table work of three students at the same time. I noticed some differences in the ways Sharon, Anne and Maria put their hands on, and I wonder how much my expectation and prior experiences influence the connection between our nervous systems.

In the last group we revisited spirals. I didn't feel comfortable standing, yet Margaret's tip to let the weight pass through my injured foot into the ground worked amazingly well. Still, the pain distracted me a lot so that my hands did not pick up much.

Spirals

I walked to school, which made it easier to adapt again to the 'Alexander thing'. My turn with Margaret taught me a lot, and my proprioception doesn't feel too screwed up after two weeks break.

In the group with Margaret and Ria we talked about the spirals formed by muscle groups that loop around the torso and the limbs. The comparison to the structure of fabric, and its different elasticity depending on the direction of tension within it helped me a lot to refine my ideas about muscles and fascia. While muscles work a bit like a sewed fabric, fascia acts more knitted fabric. (Take this with a grain of General Semantics).

In between the groups Maria and Anne worked with me, and I'm quite surprised about the difference in contact I notice when they put hands on.

Lailani took us very slowly through some asanas based on all fours. I manage more and more to forget about end-gaining while doing yoga, and really love to notice the increase in body awareness that comes with this changed attitude.

Change of Routine

I didn't blog each day this week, I let myself go from my routine to explore something else. I think I had turns with Jenny, David, Julia, Ineke, Ferry and Margaret this week. Jenny noticed a change in shape today, and Ineke helped me staying aware of both arms while I do CJ, especially with the left hand.

David rehearsed his presentation with us, interesting yet without much highlight. We observed sitting in the MacDonald way (back upright while moving), which turned out to be quite fun.

The most remarkable observation happened outside school, when I managed to release my ellbow, which allowed my arm to grow and to release the shoulders.

Hands on

The turn with Margaret really straightened me, and took away a lot of tiredness. I happily volunteered to be Anne's body for some chair and table work. She likes my precise feedback, and I like her hands that convey her good use quite easily to me.

The book session offered not too many new insights, another chapter of lengthy sentences, yet some interesting detailed description how ideas can manifest in use.

We did some playful exploration with our hands with Libby. We started off with sensitizing ours hands by blindly touching unknown objects, and continued to explore bodies, again, with eyes closed. I liked both parts of it, reading Kate's body and relaxing in her hands, without any Alexander seriousness in it. Finally Libby taught us the Vivien Mackay approach to use our hands: fingers long, palm wide and toned, molding them onto a body. Awesome experience.

Reading

I had a kind of fix me table turn with Margaret, which worked out really well. Feeling still quite jetlagged, it helped me to stay in my body, with a reduced amount of stimuli interfering. It looks like the process of unravelling my bodily habits looped back to my shoulders, after noticing the extra effort in my ankles, knees and hips.

We dealt with the worry habit during the reading session, yet not really in a satisfying matter. Although most teachers encounter apprehension, worries and anxieties at some point with their students, FM Alexander offered only an approach resembling cognitive therapy. Fortunately Alexander teachers use their hands as well, which allows them to give their students new (psychophysical) experiences instead of analysing causes to death.

In Jenny's group we tried to use the monkey to find out about our own worries, which failed me a bit, mainly because the jetlag diverted most of my attention.

More performance

I had a good turn with David today, noticing some of my bad habits while working with him. The group session crept slowly, mainly because nobody expected a book session on thursday, even though an email was send beforehand.

I managed to piss off Jane with talking about the government while waiting for the group work to start. We played with making sounds again, and a lot of my tension pattern connect to too much effort around my jaw.

Margaret worked with us on our performances, and her simple idea to rehearse the song mentally helped me heaps.

the Conscious control

I had the first real turn with Margaret, and enjoyed her calm way of informing my body. The group with her was about crawling, which turned much more difficult than it sounded initially.

Matt conducted the book session in a school like setting, yet after a while the atmosphere felt quite nice. However, something seems happening, and I wonder whether I will find out.

Kindergarten

The second day without David, and with one teacher down improvisation ruled. I had a splendid turn with Margaret though, which left me finely balanced. I spend some time with CJ, until the funny group work started.

We inspected killer consonants with attention and hands, although I didn't want to inspect Michael too closely. The real kindergarten started with Jenny's sing along session - fun yet effective.

I noticed some extra movement while pronouncing k sounds, which interfered quite a lot with Mackie Messer, which is full of it. However, I might go for a different interpretation, stressing the ideals of good old Bert Brecht.

Swing it

The turn with Margaret helped releasing my shoulders really well. I either notice better that I do too much with them or its the pink elephant effect, have will have to figure this out.

We did another session of hands-on sound production, this time with knowledge of some more muscles of the neck. Putting hands around the neck still produces a high rate of stimuli.

I liked my work with Jenny on Mack the knife, her idea of hitting the notes instead of sliding into them improved my singing at least a bit. I should probably rather have a swing tune in my mind than a hurdy-gurdy, something to remind until the next time.

Doing less

Margaret attested a positive change in my use since monday, and I feel like I managed to do less with shoulders and hips. I surprised myself observing a funny behaviour when stopping to walk: I put the hips forwards, as if to put the breaks on. I have to resist the temptation to find an alternative doing to counteract this habit, not doing will do the job.

Jenny's groupwork dealt with sound production and hands-on while doing so. I had a chance to observe Tony, Maria and Jane with my hands. Using my hands on other people still overstimulates me, so that I won't notice too much. However, the activity of muscles on the top of the head when moving the palate surprised me a lot.

I sang Mackie Messer again, this time with Penny as teacher. Dancing turned out near impossible, especially as I confirmed my negative attitude (I can't dance) before even starting, although it improved the singing. I have to think about ways of moving while performing, otherwise i might get stuck in an Alexander student stiffness.

Feet

The week started a bit unusual - due the coordination for the Yoga exhibition the turn time git shifted arounnd a bit. Margaret worked with me on the sensation of weight, grounding it with my heels. I enjoyed the yoga session, I get the impression of improvement.

John let us play with each other in the group session. We tried to guide each other by using our hands around the head and on the back and worked on our observation skills.

More of the same

I like having turns with Libby, we seem to connect easily and the sessions mostly end with mutual smiles. However, I feel the need to find out more about my own progress, as I still think that I suffer from faulty sensory appreciation.

I definitely need to resist the temptation to play mind games, although I consider this a valid strategy. During the first group session Margaret had a look on my use while talking, yet I still find an attentional layer to do it myself during the activity.