Awareness

We had three two hours of anatomy this week, and I noticed how tiring the traditional frontal teaching format is. Luckily Mick Gleeson presented the material in an interesting and light-hearted way, deepening my knowledge about anatomy in a productive way.

Even today the school routine didn't kick back in, half of the students explored swimming with Penny. Ria and Jenny were our teachers for the performance day, having plenty of time for each of us. I worked with Ria on maintaining my directions while talking to a student, which worked out well in many dimensions.

Not that I don't like having hands on me, but Rias communicative approach improved a bit my self-esteem. And as we both maintained our use, the quality of the conversation, even with many interruption, reached a lot of mutual understanding.

We explored the role of the jaw in sound production as group activity, after exploring each others torso during breathing, monkey and whispered aaah. The more I allow all of the sensory information to come together, the easier it gets to get an idea what's happening in another person.

During the performance session, Ria picked up on my extra breathing when singing. After my first attempt, she used her hands to remind me to inhibit this habit, then she just cued me verbally in time. I was surprised that my performance looked like I was thinking less, as I was acutely aware of the diversity of intentions I was juggling with while singing.

Speaking

I had a good turn with Jenny, working on my habit of 'checking in' or 'feeling out'. It seems like I start conceptualising when I become aware of new sensations, instead of continuing to inhibit and direct my movement. Somehow, Ann's idea of the freedom of the neck as gauge, got stuck in my thinking.

We explored the 'whispered ahhh' in prone. When I'm close enough to a student, the 'non-moving' parts become salient even without any optical clarity. My hands picked up a lot of Tristans movements, and I could see how much of his neck was involved in raising the head.

Bronwyn changed the performation session a bit, and experimented with voice projection. No chance to premier my new song, heaps of interesting new information nevertheless. I was surprised about the amount of pre-tension I build up to enter the stage... hmm do I associate a certain head position or jaw tension as 'right feeling' for starting to speak?

I still need to investigate different strategies for habits arising from imprints, conditioning and learning. I wonder whether trauma applies to all three layers, most likely.

Middle of a short week

My turn with Penny gave me an amazing amount of information. I felt a lot of pattern reverbarating through myself (or aspects of a single patterns in different stages), a release starting with the thumb, affecting the scapula, hips, legs and feet in tiny yet noticable ways. I still want to integrate my arms better, when Penny moved one around I could feel some parts 'wanting' to get involved. Following the movement with my eyes helped keeping them connected, albeit lots of inhibition was required to go through this unfamiliar sensations.

Feeling quite elated I offered Craig a table turn, and managed quite well to stay calm and with myself while talking him through the idea of spatial thinking. It's still not easy to 'stand aside' while using my hands, but intending his release as invitation liberated me from end-gaining, and I could curiously observe the changes that happened. Margaret joined this session after a while, and helped me with gentle touch to continue a nice session. Although I think I used myself quite okay, I felt a bit exhausted after a while, and stopped before I got into too much doing.

Jenny introduced us to some experiments she picked up on the conference, using different ideas for breathing, like 'abdominal breathing', breathing in the back, breathing to the sides, breathing from the feet up. The changes I noticed in myself and in my partner seemed very obvious, yet I noticed to my dismay how some ideas dramatically restricted the flow of breath. It seems like most ideas about 'proper breathing' just produce interference.

The next task for partner work addressed locked knees, using hands and words to get a student out of this. I got quite doey when working with Cal, and didn't notice too much happening. I realised that although we work in an 'indirect' way, asking the student for release in specific areas is sometimes very necessary. Nothing but my own intention to unlock my knees worked when I acted oblivious to Cal's verbal and tactile suggestions, an interesting experience.

I like the performance part more and more, instead of seeing it as an embarassing moment I rather try to embody the text than to just recapitulate it. Sarah's feedback helped a lot to set up an intention that allowed the text speaking through me, instead of me speaking it. I still have a lot of room for improvement, using more 'empty space' and staying lively, though it's getting more enjoyable than I thought possible.

Performance

I had an amazing turn with Penny, working on contact juggling again. Now, as I recall the session, more ideas pop up how to play with the information I gathered today. Although my shoulder girdle has gone through various states of alignment, the process of freeing it up gets more and more refined. We experimented with just lifting the arm (to put the CJ ball on it). With Pennys hand on me I noticed a swing to the side initiated the movement, and going into a straight line seemed 'impossible' at first. It was fun to notice some impulse in my arm while it moved with much less interference than usual.

I even managed to enjoy working on the whispered aaah. Jenny asked us to observe a partner (first Jack, then Rossi) and experiment with changing the intent while whispering. It was great to see that some ideas worked well, and even without the use of hands change happened. Observing a pattern and changing it indirectly (just by adding a different intent to the primary control) felt exhilarating, and stressed again how important the student's intent is for the process.

The performance session with David brought a lot of valuable information as well. Although my observation was affected by the loss of one of my contact lenses, I noticed more the fluidity (or lack) of movement. I think I might have rather tried to observe something 'static' (posture?), instead of staying more with the observation of movement. It looks like an AT teacher just opens up a different direction for the student to move into.

Reciting my own poetry for the third time produced a sufficiently high stimuli to investigate some deep seated habits. I took a 'deep' breath before starting, probably just like FM, pulling my head back and tensing my torso. Going the process of 'exposing' myself in front of an audience again offered many insights, especially the loss of coordination after the performance.

Different routine

Cathy Madden visits our school this week, and presents her way of teaching groups. Although a vivid little girl produced some remarkable background sounds, the group attention kept mainly on Cathy. She took good care to give us some instructions for observing while she works with single people.

I chose again self-written poetry, and the stimulus was much higher than on performance day. However, standing in front of a group seems getting easier, although I felt a bit fading away once I noticed adrenaline rushing. I don't really know what changed when Cathy put her hands on, it felt to me as if the words floated towards the audience, travelling through space while I took my space on stage.

I had a bit of a talk with Martin and Craig after school, about the power of limiting ideas. I'm curious how many changes I can notice tomorrow, so far it looks like the beginning of a fun week.

Faith healer

Without David, timing goes even more out of the window than usual. I'm still figuring out how to stay more in emotionally laden situations, I might simply experiment with asking the teacher 'to push some buttons'. Penny seemed rather confused what I wanted to work on, but still managed to maintain a nice up in me while working together.

O, how much I'd like to ride the wave of gravity,
Currently it feels more like creeping insanity.
I don't blame distraction,
just habitual reaction.
Yet where is the satisfaction
of some successful direction?
By giving up my strive
I get ready to arrive
in this very moment of time,
tuning into the present's chime.

As long as I stay in motion,
allowing each and every emotion,
the moment is mine
and I feel fine.

I didn't do poetry in the performance session (maybe I should?), but instead got into Alex Harvey's 'Faith healer'. The small audience, only Penny, Jane and Sarah, made it easy to get more expressive while singing. However, unless I find some guitar backing I might as well increase the level of stimulus by more exposure of myself.

Old habits

I still haven't found much opportunity to work constructively on one very old habit, speaking. Today started with quite an amazing turn with Jenny. I did not notice the slow, gradual increase of freedom in my movements. Although I can hardly remember the stiffness in my movement, I got very aware of my availability during Jenny's turn.

More freedom means as well more chances to 'help', or forgetting to remember to inhibit. I hardly noticed a difference in sensation when I changed my thinking, inhibiting my desire to help with the movement Jenny suggested with her hands. However, Jenny allowed me enough time to inhibit and renew my directions when undoing my shoulders, leaving me with a smile and new experiences.

I worked on my speaking habits again during the performance session. Although we were confined in the tea room, the atmosphere seemed to me more cooperative than on my first attempt. I really appreciated Kaz's approach as teacher. His question posed enough of a challenge not to shoot out an answer immediately, although I needed two attempts to answer it.

At first I lost my directions quite typically, and went a bit on a tangent. After some feedback and Kaz's friendly reminder that I didn't really answer, I stunned the group by a concise one-liner. Kaz wanted to know what I learned so far about my speaking habits, and I realised that I usually ignore my (body) awareness while speaking.

Kaz didn't stop here, although he can take pride in guiding me to an interesting revelation about my habit, and allowing me the positive experience of achieving my end by the right means. He noticed that I miss out on the chance to renew my inhibition with every full stop. Instead of telling me what I do wrong, he suggested in a friendly way a different approach, giving me the chance to choose whether to identify with his criticism or not.

Kaz's way of giving feedback certainly fits into the concept of 'indirect procedures'. He doesn't impose the interpretation of his observations to a student, he just offers them. A good example to follow and study.

Conflicting performance

I enjoyed the turn with Penny, and learned quite a lot about my different thinking modes. My first attempt to walk backwards felt impossible, like I was glued to the floor. Knowing that I still need to bend my knee helped to get me moving, the sensations differed significantly at each go. I got more aware of the switch between thinking and feeling.

I partnered up with Kaz for the group work, where we explored jaw movement one more time. I don't notice too much what I do in this area, especially when speaking. Taking time to explore this area starts to integrate it into the perception of my 'whole'.

The performance session ended a bit controversial. I taped my performance, unfortunately I ran out of memory before this happened, so it's tough for me to say how my use changed when I clashed a bit with Jenny. When I started to explain that I'm not a musician, she interpreted this as self-imposed limit. This aristotelian interpretation got me upset, and a little emotional turmoil arose. I hope to have a chance to talk with her about our communication problems soon.

Performance

During the turn with Jenny we detected a funny pattern: By releasing my wrists more my shoulders came undone, and my back lengthened. Interesting to find out how complex something like moving wrists can end up to be.

We did a re-briefing of Vivien's visit in the first group, and especially Tony aired his criticism extensively. Maria did her best to defend her, and appreciated the emotional experience Vivien put her through.

I forgot my lyrics sheet, which made performing a difficult task. Nevertheless I made some progress, the sound of my voice changed a lot in my 15 minutes of fame/shame. I have to remember to bring my camera with me,

Bright side

I had the first turn with Loukia, and enjoyed the new experiences she offered me. I discovered the fine line between the sensation of movement caused by movement of outer muscles and the movement caused by the anti-gravity reflex, or rather, I caught a glimpse of it.

In our group work we experimented with sliding tunes while sitting back to back, I had Garth and Michael as stimulus while doing this. Like always, attention and intention were the keys to notice anything, and those two backs I leaned on offered so much different information.

The performance session with Ria worked amazingly well. She hardly used her hands, but managed to give us some ideas which changed our performance to the better. Getting prepared (and directed) before entering the actual spot for performing worked well for me, and I noticed how much my performance picked up whenever I managed to 'throw some direction in'.

The bright side

It looks the intense start into my fourth term swept the ground under my feet away.... yet not through an immense up, rather by returning to old hazardous habits. Today's turn with Ria helped quite a bit getting back into presence.

I felt quite heavy when singing, the I couldn't integrate direction, new lyrics, a changed audience and the stimulus of performing itself into something coherent. I think I know now what I miss: Decent communication about mental habits that we discover on our path. I noticed that 'parking' my body while attending something produces heaps of thoughts, dragging me into the limbic system and down.

'You need courage to maintain the up constantly, it's a bit like being naked'. I agree absolutely with Nili, yet I don't know yet how to gain that courage.

Changing habits

The first two days with Nili felt quite intense, now it feels more like the usual strange energy has returned to school. Nili teaches a very strict MacDonald style, straight in and out of chairs, with very strong directions in her hands.

Last wednesday I took up my visual experiments again, and it blows my mind more and more. Kate can see me changing with and without lenses, I notice more the changes in my thinking than in my use. Somehow, the perceived need for control and flow interfere, and might be entirely incompatible. However, the (intermittend) lack of self esteem drags me down, even habitually.

The performance session nearly turned into a fight with Maria, but luckily Kate intervened very elegantly and defused the situation. Having a turn with Jenny on friday made the memories turn into experience easier, I still felt quite drained afterwards.

Happily I have no definition for 'madness', otherwise I could think that I'm heading just there.

Trying hard

I had a turn with Julia, and although I still haven't understood her concept of forward and up, she manages to lengthen me a lot. I become more aware of the subtle complexity of pattern within the body, and thus more efficient in using directions.

My performance in the singing sessions fluctuates a lot. I improved in comparison to last week, but Jenny needed to do a lot to stop me from holding and other useless patterns. It helps me a lot to play a soundtrack in my mind while singing, I just need a better control of the volume level.

Directions

Each teacher has an ideosyncratic style, and obviously I consider some more efficient than others. The turn with Penny yielded some amazing results, she uses the entire body and her enjoyment of the work infected me easily. Feeling already easy made it difficult to achieve more results in the second turn with Julia, which was the first time we worked together at all.

Penny avoids the term inhibition as best as possible, instead she tries to convey new experiences, and her hands do an amazing job. The group work focussed again on the whisperped aaah, this time in standing and with exploring hands. I tried to use the palm first approach to connect to my fellow students, and certainly feel the need to make my hands more sensitive. However, I noticed significant differences between Kate, Ana, Rossi and Michael. I'm less drawn into bodies, and manage it better to stay in my body while observing with my hands.

The warm up for the performance consisted of singing again, and I didn't feel any apprehension in the choir setup we used. Performing myself offered some amazing revelation: Constant directing expanded my voice throughout the entire body. I thought that directing immediately before I start to sing would be sufficient, yet I need to renew the directions quite often during the performance. Although I had my difficulties doing so, the results stunned me and were quite obvious for the audience.

Performance

I didn't manage to find out how far I managed to improve my use during the turn with David, yet I noticed some of my tendencies/new habits while doing chair work. I guess it's about time to return to meditation, something that helped me to increase my proprioception.

In Jenny's group work we played with the whispered ahhh while lying down. Head movements become much more noticeable, and looking up to the ceiling gave the illusion of privacy.

I liked singing "She brings the rain", though I felt quite nervous during the first attempt. I'm not too sure whether the nervousness caused my gasping before singing, yet directing instead of focussing on not-gasping improved the performance significantly.

More performance

I had a good turn with David today, noticing some of my bad habits while working with him. The group session crept slowly, mainly because nobody expected a book session on thursday, even though an email was send beforehand.

I managed to piss off Jane with talking about the government while waiting for the group work to start. We played with making sounds again, and a lot of my tension pattern connect to too much effort around my jaw.

Margaret worked with us on our performances, and her simple idea to rehearse the song mentally helped me heaps.

Kindergarten

The second day without David, and with one teacher down improvisation ruled. I had a splendid turn with Margaret though, which left me finely balanced. I spend some time with CJ, until the funny group work started.

We inspected killer consonants with attention and hands, although I didn't want to inspect Michael too closely. The real kindergarten started with Jenny's sing along session - fun yet effective.

I noticed some extra movement while pronouncing k sounds, which interfered quite a lot with Mackie Messer, which is full of it. However, I might go for a different interpretation, stressing the ideals of good old Bert Brecht.

More CJ

Penny enjoyed having a turn while I tried balancing my CJ ball, and gave me great feedback how I can proceed. The day turned a bit less playful with some more explorations of voice production, although I encountered new areas of investigation.

The performance situation still poses the biggest obstacle to some decent singing performance. However, I start enjoying it much more than I thought possible, and until the end of the term something will emerge.

Swing it

The turn with Margaret helped releasing my shoulders really well. I either notice better that I do too much with them or its the pink elephant effect, have will have to figure this out.

We did another session of hands-on sound production, this time with knowledge of some more muscles of the neck. Putting hands around the neck still produces a high rate of stimuli.

I liked my work with Jenny on Mack the knife, her idea of hitting the notes instead of sliding into them improved my singing at least a bit. I should probably rather have a swing tune in my mind than a hurdy-gurdy, something to remind until the next time.

Ease

Working with Jane turned out to be fun, and she managed to give me a lot information while working on the chair. I tried to inhibit my head back, shoulder up pattern while speaking, and noticed the preparatory actions before I was speaking. I'm less confused by non-local effects any more, but rather cherish the opportunity to recalibrate my proprioception.

On the table Jane and I managed significant release of the shoulders, knowing more about the structure of this area helps a lot. I still need to develop a decent sensation of width throughout my trunk in a lengthened state.

Anne worked with me straight after Jane, and surprised me a bit when she asked to have an AID AT T-shirt. I might have found a first ally to use more of the internet.

Singing gets a bit easier, I manage my level of apprehension better. I chose a different song, and Cal noticed the different pattern between speaking and singing with me. Jenny needed less extreme movements to keep me on track, and glimpsed my self during the performance.